WE’RE STARTING OUR SECOND YEAR!

WARNING: Some readers might find this segment offensive.

Readers: As we mark one year of “Something Went Horribly Wrong,” we visit the acronym NSFW. It means “not suitable for work.” As in, “Don’t accidentally send that crass joke to your boss.” 

Our marketplace of ideas, via social media and other platforms, has shed its shackles of censorship, and now you are free to send and receive Facebook postings riddled not just with vile personal attacks but also foul language and pornography. Don’t you feel smarter now? Isn’t the world a better place?

When Eliot’s dad was managing editor of the old Miami News, he once rejected an applicant for a reporting job. The young man’s portfolio included a clip from his college newspaper in which he’d used a coarse word for poop. The applicant said, “Don’t you believe in free speech?” Dad said: “Yes, you have every right to use these words personally. But good writers don’t need them, and they disqualify good writing, so I have every right not to hire you.”

If you are writing a novel, there’s a time and place to introduce profanity, usually in dialogue, where you want people to talk like people really talk. Even then, make sure you use it only as much as you need it; don’t be gratuitous. When writing as the narrator, use it at your peril. It’s not that readers are innocents who will faint away because you used a bad word. It just that it makes the reader feel a little dirty. And, as Dad explained, makes the writer come off as lazy.

Many phrases have entered the lexicon but really shouldn’t have. Look at these. You probably use them all the time. Do you ever take a minute to consider what each literally means? Go ahead. Look on the internet if you have to. “Urban dictionary” is a good source. We’ll wait. Yes! Right! OMG! Now you know! Good. So just avoid using them.

Frankly, it makes us feel dirty just listing them.

• “My opponent sucks.”

• “My opponent doesn’t have the balls to respond.”

• “I will knock the crap out of my opponent.”

• “My opponent is full of B.S.”

• “My opponent is an S.O.B.”

* “My opponent is a bastard.”

• “My opponent is a schmuck.“ (Check the Yiddish dictionary; “schmuck” refers to a specific part of male anatomy.)

• “The Cubs kicked ass.”

• “My opponent is an a**hole.”

• “He’s a frigging idiot. He’s a freakin’ idiot.” (“Frigging “or “freaking” clearly is used in place of the “F-word.” What about “darn” and “heck?” Maybe “frigging” is OK? Discuss.)

• “We really screwed up, and our clients got screwed. You don’t like it? Screw you!”

• “You’re a douche bag.” (Look it up. Yuck!)

• “He’s a brown noser.” (Again, look it up. Eww!)

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/DZR4WGFEouY

Next time: Very, very, very

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!