From the Grammar Police

March 2, 2025

Awesome!

A June 2024 segment discussed hyperbole. Longtime reader and occasional contributor Ramesh Nyberg recently reported getting a voice mail from a doctor’s office that ended with, “If you could call us back today, that would be amazing.” Wow. This person has a pretty low threshold for excitement.

Recent government actions have led news outlets to use the terms firings and layoffs interchangeably. They are not the same! Fired means terminated for actions or performance, while laid off means dismissed for reasons such as restructuring or cost-cutting. Court judgments have set the precedent that in order to be laid off, your position has to have been eliminated. Otherwise, you were fired. Some companies get around this by making your position go away but hiring someone else for a position that has some differences but sure sounds like yours. (Special thanks to attorney Chris Kleppin.)

In March 2021, we explained that while we regularly counsel writing tight, sometimes you need a few extra words for the sake of clarity. Pretty much all parts of Florida voted for Harris and Trump. One or the other. Sentence should read “which parts voted for Harris and which for Trump.”

Sometimes people challenge us when we point out a spelling error. But sometimes writers make it easy for us. These can’t both be right! The top one is correct.

The advent of social media has allowed political candidates the luxury of putting stuff out there themselves, without letting campaign staff, or proofreaders, take a look. Might not be a great idea.

The son-in-law is the former Mr. France.

Oh, no! Another maligned comma. In case you missed the other thousand times we explained this: The comma works as a contraction of sorts. So this product’s instructions literally say:
“Wear face and eye protection.”
“Wear protective gloves.”
“Wear clothing.”
Who wants to spray this stuff naked?
We suspect they meant: “Wear face and eye protection and protective gloves and clothing.”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 84: Newspeak.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

February 16, 2025

A grammatical perfect storm!

A site is a location. The right word here is sights. And a weather system doesn’t have the ability to set its sights on anything. It has no sights.

Florida was bracing in the summer of 2024 for a storm that forecasters said absolutely was going to hit the state somewhere (which, sadly, it did.) Not potentially. What was potential was whether it would be a major hurricane. So: “Florida braces for potentially major hurricane to strike this week.”

When you clean up an area, you’re taking part in a cleanup. They got it right in the upper line. Go figure. Oh, and they misspelled residents.

We know you’re excited. But do you really need to say you’re number one, you’re the winner, and you’re the best? Just say it once. We’d use the “best of” one.

This is one of our all-star chronics. For the eleventy-billionth time: These say some person definitely robbed the store and definitely shot someone. Not allegedly. Not according to police. And not suspected of. Then it calls them suspects. They can’t be both. Just say: “Police say they are searching for person who robbed” and “Shooter gets on bike…” Don’t worry that you’re convicting someone. You don’t know who it is yet! When police name an actual individual whom they suspect of a crime, that person becomes the suspect. Get it?

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:
We submit that "tight knit" and "close knit," in connection with communities and neighborhoods, is both a cliché and an "obviosity." How do you know it's a tight community? What would constitute a not-tight community?
The Rules Committee (Lou Ann) opines: “Perfectly good adjective but I can see how it could be misused or abused. To be used appropriately, knittedness would have to be clear from context.”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 83: “It’s People!”

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From the Grammar Police

February 2, 2025

English as a second language…

We’ve said this. If English is not your first language, how hard is it to find someone who’s good at English to look over your text? Or google it. In today’s internet world, you probably could check these in, oh, 30 seconds. . Plus, you spelled “lantern” right in one place and wrong in another. C’mon.

Here’s more. The advice we just gave is especially valuable when you are trying to scam people. The bad grammar sort of gives you away. Dontcha think?

Dear ____. A total of $096? You need to repeat scammer school altogether.

It works the other way around…

A multi-course meal with a fixed price is prix fixe.

And what’s their excuse?

We’ve gone from season to season. And this STILL is 16 million dollars dollars.

And this still is a half penny.

Are you really congratulating me on the great accomplishment of successfully ordering something on line? Really? It’s not like I got through law school.

It takes only…

Way back in January 2022, we talked about terms people use without realizing — or maybe without caring — that they’re shorthand for really, really, foul phrases. Ugh. You just remembered where you’re suggesting someone shove something.

Well, yes, wholistic is a rarely-used variation of holistic. We’re going to argue the writer didn’t know that.

We regularly beat up the TV folks over their gaffes, clichés and hyperbole when it comes to weather:

Who came up with this science/bureaucrat gobbledygook? “Tornadic activity” means “tornados.” So just say that.

And we’re guessing it’s forecasters who first used the term “moisture,” and TV picked it up. The sweat on the side of your glass of beer? That’s moisture. When flood waters are halfway up Seattle’s Space Needle, that’s more than moisture.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 82: "Womp bomp a loo-bomp, a-lomp bomp bomp!" https://youtu.be/UABE5QFK-Lk?si=h4co3qgYjHiyoYWM

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From the Grammar Police

January 19, 2025

A whale of a collection of modifiers misplaced

How about “man who sat on couch…” What a difference a word makes.

Actually, it was Lincoln who was attending the play when Booth snuck in to the theater to shoot him.

Officials at the orphanage already had met Castro. “Laney asked officials for a meeting with Castro.”

Fighters did not oust Assad on Friday at Umayyad Square. People celebrated Friday at the square.

And, of course, this mangled morass of modifiers — and hurricane of hyperbole — literally says, “These joggers blew our freaking minds after the joggers wore our freaking minds for two weeks straight.” (PS: Not big on “freaking.”)

We’ve addressed this many times, going way back to April 2021. “Embattled” means girded for battle. The word you want is “beleaguered.”

We spoke in August 2024 about how “temporary” usually is redundant.

The world contains numerous heiresses.

The “Horribly Wrong” team acknowledges that expecting smartphone apps — many of them international — to follow basic rules of English grammar and honesty is like expecting you actually win money on them. But we also are going to challenge the statement that, of the 1-billion-plus earthlings over the age of 60, nearly eight in nine use this app!

These clearly are hyperbole and clichés. Or can we let them go? Readers?

And we go to the video archives for Segment 81: The Grammar Police Meet The Gazpacho Police.

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From the Grammar Police

January 5, 2025

We’re starting our fifth year!

*George Frideric Handel, oil on canvas by Thomas Hudson, c. 1736; in the Foundling Museum, London*

C’mon. Lay. Lie. Lay. Lie.

We covered this way back in our fourth segment, in February 2021. Authorities have identified the person. They know who he is. They just haven’t told the public.

We first covered this in August 2022, and we still are amazed by the tone-deafness of it. You get home from work. You don’t know when the spray was applied on your lawn. Or you’re a neighbor walking your dog and it steps on this lawn. The question is: When is the lawn dry? How do we know when it’s dry? Some signs say “Dry in four hours” but don’t say when the stuff was applied. So is it dry? Heck. The worst that happens is that we get deadly pesticide on our hands or our dog’s tongue. That’s all. How hard would it be to grab a marker and write: “Dry 4:30 p.m?” Like this:

This is a favorite that probably belonged in our July 2024 segment on movie tropes. Of course, it’s not a desert island. Look at the photo. The word folks should be using is deserted.

We recently saw a TV commercial that said with a certain amazing drug, you’d lose a remarkable amount of weight in a short time. “With diet and exercise.” The with is key. Sure, the drug won’t work by itself. But you could run an ad that says, “You’ll lose weight if you just eat M&Ms. And diet and exercise.” Readers: Do your research before you buy a product that goes into your body.

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:
Longtime reader and occasional contributor Dr. Baruch Kahana submits: “Among my favorite redundancies is, ‘I personally think …’ How does “personally” help here?”
The Rules Committee opines: “He is not wrong.” CONCUR.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 80: What's My Line?: https://youtu.be/JOHeh2FbItA?si=A48Xvi4ti5HZHvS2

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Calling all readers!

January 1, 2025

Happy New Year!

Do you like "Something Went Horribly Wrong?" It's a labor of love. But we need more followers. Tell your friends! Tell editors, writers, teachers to tell their friends! Goal: double our mailing list in a month. You can do it! http://ekfla.com/newsletter

From the Grammar Police

December 22, 2024

Old Lang’s Sign

Grammatic diarrhea

People bend backward metaphorically, but in real life, they bend just one way. Down.

“Accuse” and allege are the same thing.

Queue and line are the same thing. Just say, “stood in long lines…”

If someone’s been charged with murder, the shooting already was deadly. (PS: We don’t like “deadly.” It means “capable of causing death.” Clearly, in this case, it already happened.)

Great news! It’s open. Better yet, it’s open! How about: “…will be open normal hours on Memorial Day, May 27.” We got 29 words down to 13.

Yes, every day people wander the halls until they locate the permit or the ice machines or the exit. The word is redundant. Bonuses: Personal safety is redundant. Isn’t it? And then there’s the maligned comma. Machines are on floors 10, 15, and 18, and in the lobby. And lose all the upper case!

All you need: “Credit card purchases require physical card and photo ID.” Nine words.
We say retailers, just like everyone else, should write tight. Some might argue some shoppers are slow and need to be hit over the head. Readers?

And we go to the video archives for Segment 79: More Hiding in Plain Sight: https://youtu.be/ZZwXrZqo50I?si=LmQF2eaM-JcqvWwL

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:
Eliot requested the Rules Committee (Lou Ann) check our “style” bible, the Associated Press Stylebook, and opine on the following:
ELIOT: I argue the phrase '“3D printing" is wrong. "Printing" is about ink on paper. What these machines are doing is manufacturing solid objects. What sayeth the Rules Committee?
RULES COMMITTEE: “Brave new language world. 3D printing is preferred over the technically more accurate ‘additive manufacturing.’”

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From the Grammar Police

December 8, 2024

‘Tis the season for giving. And for goofs!

We’ve covered this before. Out of every four people, how many suffer? One. So one person in four suffers.

We’ve talked at length about the cowardly use of qualifiers. This is a three-fer! All you need is one: “Prosecutors say they could wrap in two weeks.”

The DA (district attorney) is nearing the end of his/her case. You can say “prosecution nears end of its case.”

We covered many times, back to in 2021, in our second segment! All felons are convicted. Just say "felon.”

It wasn’t the entire campus that was razed. Just one building on it.

Umm, anyplace and anywhere are the same thing.

Saying something’s happening on Long Island isn’t very specific. It’s a 100-plus-mile island covered by two counties, 13 towns, two cities, 97 villages, 173 hamlets, more than 120 public school districts and more than 900 taxing districts. Good luck finding the rally. But what we really want to point out is something we dealt with in our segment on geographical disqualifiers way back in November 2021. You can say Albany, N.Y., Buffalo, N.Y., or Cooperstown, N.Y. They are cities. Long Island is not.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 78: What’s in a name, Olympus edition. https://youtu.be/C-FnP5aE82Q?si=WlwJk1AhTbBMg8D9

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From the Grammar Police

November 24, 2024

It’s a bounty of goofs!

A queen reigns. You take the reins.

The leadership says it will vote. House leaders say they’ll vote. Pick one.

Umm, no, thanks.

You give/show respect. But you pay respects.

We mentioned this way back in January 2021, and several times since: Leaving prison does NOT make you an ex-felon. You now are an ex-inmate or ex-convict. But you’re still a felon! You still are someone who was convicted of a felony.
(But wait. There’s more! We have a misplaced modifier! The 7,000 people didn’t complete their sentences last week. The voting rights were reinstated last week.)

Ahh. Good old “all is not.” One more time: This says not a single instance of media trust is the same. What the headline should have said: “Not all media trust is created equal.”
(The Horribly Wrong team has been on the record that it doesn’t like “media.” Mainly because, as with the blind men and the elephant, you can’t find two people to agree on what “the media” is.)

These acronyms started as code for telegraphers and later were used in dispatches sent to news outlets by wire services. Now they’re common. Does everyone know what they mean? Readers?

And we go to the video archives for Segment 77: Watt’s in a name? https://youtu.be/XimRMXn3olw?si=Hms_6PWG93gscf7y

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From the Grammar Police

November 10, 2024

A Frankenstein’s monster born of the dreaded homophone and the limits of autocorrect.
Oh, the horror!

When someone is your lawyer, he’s counsel.

The writer likely meant flak, the military term for incoming fire.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 76: What’s in a name? https://youtu.be/hQVSnrqZBUM?si=IK10V6ZA5G0i9XXe

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Segment 100: Orange socks

November 3, 2024

It’s our 100th segment!!!

Readers: “Something Went Horribly Wrong” debuted in January 2021. We said from the beginning that our goal was not to be snooty or humiliate people, but to educate you about the importance of good writing. Clear writing. Tight writing. Grammatically correct writing. Accurate writing.
You’ve noted our format: Every other week, we post a segment covering a rule, and a listing of violations thereof. In the off week, we display the dogged work of our Grammar Police.
There’s a term in journalism: You “buried the lead.” Yes. We’ve committed that very crime.
Here’s the news:
We are, at least for now, “closing the canon” on the rules segments at an even 100. We’ll do weekly “encore” postings of segments (that’s a euphemism for “repeats”). And, in alternating weeks, we’ll continue weekly reports by the Grammar Police. So keep ‘em coming!
We’ve acknowledged that language is an evolving thing. And that there’s no fine or jail time for lousy writing. (We’d have to build a lot more prisons!) But we did make this argument: People say they never would wear orange socks to a black-tie affair because it would make them look stupid. But every day, all day, they write stupid things.
We’ve said that very few of you will write for a living. But all of you need to know how to write. You don’t necessarily have to be a great writer. But you really should be a correct writer.
This is a great moment to say thank you, thank you, thank you for your loyalty over the past nearly three years. And your continued loyalty as we battle on. As the Spanish say, “¡Adelante!” Onward.
Eliot Kleinberg, chief writer
Lou Ann Frala, “Rules Committee.”

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From the Grammar Police

October 27, 2024

Spell check!

Phenomena is plural. This was a phenomenon.

Some might argue we are nitpicking. Tender and juicy are tactile senses. You don’t taste tender or juicy.

For now, let’s not point out the use of a period, instead of a colon, after “operation.” More importantly, on which days is this place closed? Right. None. So just say, “Open every day.”

Does anyone have 50 reunions? No. This was the 50-year reunion. (Confession: Eliot was an organizer of a similar reunion and made a similar goof!)

This is a bit of newspaper “inside baseball.” And we were going to let it go. But it happened twice in a week. In the same newspaper.
When a story is shared with numerous outlets, the reporter or original editor sometimes inserts a note such as this, telling editors at the other papers that, if they need to cut because of their space limitations, this would be a logical spot in the storytelling to do so. But, of course, it’s incumbent on the new editor, before sending the story to the printing press, to REMOVE THE NOTE!
The “Horribly Wrong” team — comprising a semiretired reporter and copy editor — often has defended newspapers, which, because of declining income, don’t have enough proofreaders. And said that, if you see a lot of mistakes, you can fix that by subscribing and advertising so papers can hire more.
But, this is something that makes a reader say “huh?”, as we covered June 30, 2023, and again October 20, 2023. A non-journalist spotted both of these at the kitchen table. How did they get past all editors?

And we go to the video archives for Segment 75: Even More Clichés. https://youtu.be/oBzRQ8kfg2o?si=3SnO6i3jjXE2p6Yy

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Segment 99: More “Huh?”

October 20, 2024

In June 2024, we talked about lines that cause you stop and say, “That doesn’t make sense!” And, “If I saw the goof instantly, why didn’t the writers/editors? In fact, how many editors missed this?” We asked those questions then. And we’re still asking.

“My basic priority is law and order, reducing crime, and making our residents extremely proud…” (submitted by Dr. Baruch Kahana.)
Sounds like more than one priority, dontcha think? And your priorities are presumed to be your basic ones. So say “my priorities are.”
“This remarkable journey…from a completely irrelevant basketball program to one now on the national conscious…”
National consciousness. (We also have seen writers use conscience for conscious, and vice versa!) Also, completely irrelevant is redundant. Irrelevant is an absolute. You can’t be a little irrelevant.
“Bear in mind that all women are not cheaters.”
We covered this back in September 2021. This says not a single woman is a cheater. Oh, that it were so. Sadly, some women are cheaters. So this should be, “not all women are cheaters.”
Teacher’s aid arrested.” (Submitted by Keith Nelson.)
Teacher’s aide.
“…she tried to tap the breaks, telling him that she wanted to be friends.”
Give me a break. You tap brakes.
“…with a lot of good ideas and more than a little daring-do.”
“Derring-do” refers to acting courageously and goes all the way back to Chaucer. (Note: The “My Little Pony” folks have created the character “Daring do.” Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot.)
“Farmers and cows work as a team to bring you the freshest milk.”
Cows are not working with farmers as a team.
“(Feminine hygiene product) has up to zero leaks.”
This is a two-fer. It’s grammatically incorrect; you would want to say the product has “as little as zero leaks.” But wait! there’s more! Any product has as little as zero leaks. Think about it.
“After being preserved as evidence for the shooter's trial, crews are set to tear down the three-story building by pieces starting Friday.”
Our friend old, the modifier misplaced. The crews were not preserved as evidence.
“As a proud owner of (product), we want to make sure you have the use & care information necessary to keep your product in optimal shape.“
See #9. You’re the proud owner, not them.
“Suspect arrested in shooting, robbery attempt.”
You need to write in chronological order. The first thing that happened was the robbery attempt.
“Trump talked about executing people at multiple meetings.”
”Umm, I won’t be at today’s meeting. I have a..a..I have to take my goldfish to the vet. Yeah. That’s it.”
"He stopped in the middle of the pulpit, pulled the gun out and it just jammed," Germany recalled, before covering his face with his hands and trying to take cover.
In this story about a failed shooting in a church, you could read this not one, not two, but three different ways! Did Pastor Germany, while talking to the reporter, cover his face with his hands and try to take cover? Is he recalling to the reporter that he took cover during the incident? Or that the shooter did that? We’ve read this several times and we’re still not sure.

Next time: Orange socks.

Calling all readers! Do you like "Something Went Horribly Wrong?" It's a labor of love. But we need more followers. Tell your friends! Tell Editors, Writers, Teachers to tell their friends! Goal: double our mailing list in a month. You can do it! http://ekfla.com/newsletter

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From the Grammar Police

October 13, 2024

That’s some collapse! Kills six and sends three dozen flying to the hospital!

Longtime reader and occasional contributor Dr. Baruch E. Kahana asked us why people wrongly use unchartered for uncharted. Think maps.

Yeah. If it’s 614 degrees, I’d wanna check my A/C!

Umm, the pain doesn’t need any help.

Here we go again.
Here’s what this says: ”Do not soak in mouthwash, do not soak in denture cleanser, do not soak in hot water and do not soak in place in direct sunlight.”
Correct: “Do not soak in mouthwash, denture cleaner, or hot water, or place in direct sunlight.”

And this one says: “Thousands of pumpkins, thousands of hayrides, thousands of food and thousands of fun.”
Correct: “Thousands of pumpkins, plus hayrides, food and fun.”
Remember: The comma substitutes for something. Think about it!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 74: Spanish is easy! https://youtu.be/vzU3FLgw6_E?si=jLbFCRXduPPw96Xc

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Segment 98: More dumb sports

October 6, 2024

Back on May 8, 2022, we took on some of the dumb things sports writers, sports announcers, sports marketers and sports teams say. No one should have expected we were done. Or will be. After all, there’s always next year!

1. “Quarterback suspended for violating team rules.”
Sports teams have gotten away with this for years. The phrase means absolutely nothing. Obviously the guy violated team rules. That could be anything. It would be as stupid as saying “Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested on Nov. 22, 1963, in Dallas, for violating Texas state law.”
The question you, the reader, want someone to ask — and the one any competent reporter must ask — is what rules? And if officials won’t tell, the story has to say that: “…was suspended for violating unspecified team rules.” “…undisclosed team rules.” “…team rules that officials did not spell out.” “…that officials would not spell out.” “…that officials refused to spell out.” And of course, “Officials not only would not say which rule was violated but also did not say what the person allegedly did.”
Just saying “violated team rules” gives them a pass.

2. “Wow! All these people from Buffalo came down to Miami for the game!”
The Horribly Wrong team is based in South Florida. Unless you live in a cave, you know the area is jammed with transplants. At any given Marlins, Dolphins, Heat, or Panthers game, you invariably will find the visitors being vociferously rooted on by former residents who moved down but stayed loyal to their old team. That won’t stop stupid sports announcers from making the stupid statement shown. Yes, some people rooting for the Bills are vacationing, or “snowbirds,” part-time residents. But most live here.

3. “Wow! All these people came from Tuscaloosa to Atlanta for this game!”
Do any Penn State alumni live in Philadelphia? Wisconsin alumni in Chicago? Arizona alumni in Los Angeles? That’s who’s in the stands rooting for the visiting school. Not people who live in the small college town. C’mon.

4. “Diaz has now given up seven runs over his last 2.1 innings pitched.”
We’ve seen this more than once. Explaining the goof requires, well, “inside baseball.” An inning is three outs. So statisticians split innings into thirds. Diaz gave up seven runs over his last two and one third innings. Which every elementary school student knows is not the same as 2.1 innings.

5. “With our marketing plans, you’ll hit a home run with your clients!”
“Our cattle feed mix is a slam dunk for your dairy operation!”
“With our power tools, you’ll have a power play on your next project!”
“Sack high prices at Foodway!”
Can we finally call foul on moronic sports metaphors? Please?

6. “Both benches emptied, resulting in a full-pledged brawl.”
Not full-pledged. It’s full-fledged, meaning fully developed. It stems from an old English word for feathered. And it’s a cliché.

7. “…giving his Puerto Rico team the win in the championship game and sending the sold-out crowd of 36,025 at LoanDepot Park into a frenzy.”
Sixteen teams took part in this event. Even if only fans of the finalists attended the title game, it’s likely that, at most, half of the sold-out crowd went into a frenzy. The other half was pretty bummed.

8. “Ohtani's choice of the Dodgers, who play in the nation's second-largest media market, only enhances his stature, and that of his sport.”
Japanese superstar Shohei Ohtani moved to the Los Angeles Dodgers from the Angels, who play in Anaheim. Thirty miles away. They’re even called the Los Angeles Angels. He already was in the second-largest media market.

9. “A big game tonight in South Beach.”
Some sportscasters have decided that South Beach, which encompasses a few blocks at the southern end of Miami Beach, is an accurate term for the multicounty, multimillion person South Florida region. Hollywood, California, suffers from this as well. For the record, no sports teams play in South Beach. Yes, you could argue it’s colloquial. But will you give us a dollar for every tourist who comes to South Beach looking for an arena?

10. “Big U hopes to continue its 28-game winning streak, while Eastern State is spoiling for an upset.”
In this promo, “Spoiling for an upset” means, “We are desperately searching for clever wording to get someone, anyone, to watch this rout.”

12. “And they (NFL players) do not want to be interviewed when they’re naked. [And] to open the door for doing some solutioning of what could be more effective.”
Old friend, and occasional contributor, Rob Yankowitz, reminds us of the dastardly habit of “verbing.” That’s arbitrarily turning words into verbs, in direct violation of the laws of nature. Corporate types are most guilty of this felony. How about, “….to find a better solution.”

12. “Linebacker Roger Jones is struggling with personal issues.”
“The arraignment is Tuesday.”

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/FFZ7E-9oADY?si=HRbGHoBFzd-fQ_kb

Next time: More of “Huh?”

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

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From the Grammar Police

September 29, 2024

Where that modifier did I put? Did misplace it I again?

An abortion medication had a wife. Who knew?

Can a 14-year-old buy a store?

So the 19-year-old girlfriend is 49?
(PS: We will not reward these “news” vultures by identifying the celebrity they were tormenting.)

These deaths were tragedies. But let’s write properly. A skydiver didn’t die twice. How about: “Second skydiver death in two years at Florida airport.”

Did you really mean to say this was about the painting value, whatever that is, of a massive dying aunt? Probably not.

If I was that shopping center, I’d be put out, too.

The man was from Florida. But not in Florida. The next line makes it clear. The man — sadly — fatally set himself afire outside Donald Trump’s “hush money” trial in New York.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 73: Canadian Club. https://youtu.be/gUTKiaT12H8?si=fYCqLOtV_bKqGlKo

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Segment 97: Pinocchios

September 22, 2024

In his years at The Palm Beach Post, Eliot kept a lot of “junque” on his desk. Including this Pinocchio figure he got in 2008 at a street fair in Venice, Italy. He would display it because, well, people lie. Would you be surprised to know that people — not just criminals or even everyday people but important business leaders and politicians — have, at times, lied to a newspaper reporter? Lied to his face. And sometimes, when confronted, lied about the lie. Which, of course, means they lied to you.
Eliot often joked that, at journalism school commencement, grads are given “B.S. meters.” In his career, Eliot must have worn out a half dozen.

“Cheerleaders:” College cheerleaders really lead cheers. But professional football teams’ “cheerleaders” don’t. Do they? No. They are not cheerleaders. They’re dancers. The NBA uses dancers. And calls them dancers. The first time we see one of these at an NFL game actually lead a cheer, we’ll admit we’re wrong. Let us know.

Spokesperson: It used to be that press people for companies or government entities had two roles: to make statements, and answer questions, on behalf of the company, but also to gather facts reporters request. A lot of spokespersons couldn’t provide a reporter the company’s financials for the last five years if a gun was at their head. They might not even know what “financials” means. And don’t start with “spokesmodel.” Those models — all genders — do a lot of things. Speaking is not high on the list.

“Please listen carefully, as our telephone options recently have changed:” We mentioned this universally reviled irritation in our Jan, 29, 2023, segment, but no Pinocchio list can be without it. Next time you get a live person on the line, ask what options changed, and when. Expect dead air. This message nearly always is a lie to get you to pay attention.
(Also watch out for: “Sorry we can’t get to your call right away; we recently have experienced an unusually high volume of calls.” Also likely a lie.
And one more thing: Please retire this bureaucratic horror: “Select the option that best meets your needs.”

110 percent: We covered this back on July 4, 2021. Yes, we know it’s inspiring. But we all took math in high school. And we know there’s no such thing as 110 percent. Don’t ask us. Ask the experts.

“We’ll beat anyone’s price by 15 percent, or it’s free.” Even if you got a C in sixth-grade math, you realize how bogus this is. They’re saying they reserve the option of either giving you a discount or giving it to you for free. Wonder which option they’ll pick? Heck, they even fess up in the fine print! (See below)

Vegetable Oil: Just about all cooking oils are made from vegetables. Olive oil, corn oil, avocado oil, peanut oil. Those things are vegetables. The stuff called “vegetable oil?” It’s soybean oil. The industry says it uses “vegetable” because the product can be 15 percent something else, but really companies just think “vegetable” sounds better than “soybean.”

“You just pay shipping and handling.” We suspect some sales manager sitting around one day leaped up and shouted, “Dang! Handling.”
Genius.
That big box store charges you just for the toaster. It doesn’t charge you for them to handle it. Restaurants let you leave a tip. They don’t charge you up front for the waiter “handling” your meal.
In many cases, “shipping and handling” really just means “shipping,” but the outfits make it sound like you’re getting both for the price of one. Some companies actually will advertise free shipping, then throw in a bogus “handling” charge. This is right up there with the bogus “dealer fee” that got so many car dealerships in trouble.

Readers: Anyone lied to you? Send it in!

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/4zV8x3Rr2cE?si=bfo0pROAgA7ouRhG

Next time: Good thing no sports announcer or writer ever said anything dumb!

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From the Grammar Police

September 15, 2024

Sept. 24 is Punctuation Day! Lets let our apostrophe’s shine!

Or not…

And we go to the video archives for Segment 72: English English. https://youtu.be/J1ngsOZUvSo?si=MP4MsqaowIn6EfZd

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Segment 96: Dumb statements

September 8, 2024

There’s an old, snobbish joke in the news business. A guy quits newspapers for public relations. In the morning, he writes a press release. He goes to lunch. When he returns, he reads the release, deems it to have no news value, and throws it away.
We talked about corporate-speak back in July 2021. Twice. It’s bad enough to be an incompetent writer for internal consumption. Companies pay people to write up quality press releases and public statements for the masses, and coach their executives on what to say in public . Doesn’t always work out.

Jan. 9, 2024, CNBC interview after a Boeing 737 Max 9 door plug blew out over Oregon: CNBC’s Kelly Evans: “How did an unsafe airplane fly in the first place?” Boeing CEO David Calhoun: “Because a quality escape occurred.” (Submitted by Dr. Baruch Kahana)
We covered euphemisms back in July 2023. They’re ways of avoiding blunt language. According to aviation industry analyst Jon Ostrower, Editor-in-chief of the Air Current web page, “quality escape” is “Boeing jargon for when something wasn't built or repaired correctly. The quality has ‘escaped’ during the prescribed engineering or manufacturing process.” Yikes.
December 2023 Air Force announcement of discipline and reforms after a major classified documents leak: “A smaller number of unit members…intentionally failed to report the full details of these security concerns/incidents.”
By its very definition, you cannot intentionally fail to do something.
Minnesota Vikings statement: "We are absolutely heartbroken to announce that legendary Minnesota Vikings head coach and Hall of Famer Bud Grant has passed away this morning at age 95. We, like all Vikings and NFL fans, are shocked and saddened by this terrible news."
“Heartbroken” and “saddened” make a redundancy. And “shocked and saddened” is a brutal cliché. Also, while Grant certainly was a legend, and any passing is sad, most people probably would be OK with dying at 95. Why would anyone be shocked?
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau after a Chinese balloon was shot down over the Yukon in February 2023: "@NORADCommand shot down the object over the Yukon. Canadian and U.S. aircraft were scrambled, and a U.S. F-22 successfully fired at the object."
Successfully fired at the object? Talk about tying vocabulary in knots!
“Flight 90…encountered an accident on takeoff in Washington.” — Air Florida statement
For hours after an Air Florida plane dropped into the icy Potomac River on the afternoon of Jan. 13, 1982, live TV showed the tail jutting up and helicopters dropping ropes to survivors. All that time, Air Florida corporate was silent. When it finally did say something, it was this jewel of understatement about something everyone — everyone — already knew. Within 2-1/2 years, Air Florida was in bankruptcy.

*Trudeau (Canadian Prime Minister’s Office)*

Watch this on video:" https://youtu.be/yC07zioARlY?si=pjx-H9eMpfOAoENf

Next time: Liar. Liar. Pants on fire.

"Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

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From the Grammar Police

September 1, 2024

Clemency

Even as we pick on people for their writing goofs, we acknowledge that some are deserving of a break.

Yes, we know the writer meant, “collision.” But this was frantically posted just hours after the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed in the middle of the night in March 2024.

Yes. “Prosecutors” (left) should not have an apostrophe. And “pouring” (below) should be poring. (You can see it quickly was fixed.)
But these reporters were having to write in real time from inside the courtroom during the Spring 2024 Donald Trump trial in New York. That should not have been necessary. New York bans cameras in court, but allows exceptions. The judge could have accommodated, via live TV, Americans’ constitutional rights to view this momentous trial. Just sayin’.

Yes, this is redundant. But this was 16 hours after the fact, and a lot of that was at night, so we’re inclined to cut some slack.

We’ve talked at length about hyperbole and redundancy. Well, sometimes you need it.

Eliot spotted these during a trip to Asia. Here’s the thing. These businesses are under absolutely no obligation to print anything in English. Anything.

Today’s rant: When you buy a new car, the dealer sticks his/her name on the frame around the license plate. You leave it on for the life of your car. Why are you giving them free advertising?

And we go to the video archives for Segment 71: Vote for me and I’ll set you free. https://youtu.be/XW10tVM79K0?si=oB2rjuREBk2ir1wK

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SOMETHING WENT HORRIBLY WRONG!

A blog about better writing.

By Eliot Kleinberg

With Lou Ann Frala

We’re starting our fifth year!

Happy New Year!

Grammatic diarrhea

‘Tis the season for giving. And for goofs!

It’s a bounty of goofs!

Where that modifier did I put? Did misplace it I again?

Sept. 24 is Punctuation Day! Lets let our apostrophe’s shine!

Or not…

Clemency

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