A snob walks into a diner. He says:
“For my morning repast, I request two poultry ova, vigorously stirred, along with two sautéed strips of porcine abdominal flesh, as well as two portions of a food prepared with flour, milk and yeast and browned by dry heat. Also, please provide a vessel of liquid squeezed from a small citrus fruit. And bring me a container of heated beverage made from aromatic java beans. Please add to that a small amount of thick bovine lactose and two portions of crystalline carbohydrate.”
That’s right. He just ordered two scrambled eggs, bacon, two pieces of toast, orange juice, and coffee with cream and two sugars.
Remember the “Prairie Home Companion” radio show? One of their big “joke shows” featured this one of a woman describing her husband: “We don't call it a beer belly; it's a liquid grain storage facility.”
Some people talk like this because they think it makes them sound scholarly, such as writers who use hundred-dollar-words, which we covered in our March 26, 2022, segment.
But others are employing euphemisms, which we’ve covered before, most recently in our Aug. 21, 2022, “Grammar Police” segment.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a euphemism as “an agreeable or inoffensive word or phrase that is used instead of one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant.” The “Horribly Wrong” team calls it one of the most glaring forms of cowardly writing. (Note: Since euphemism begins with a consonant sound, it gets “a” instead of “an.”)
Who uses euphemisms? Politicians. Government officials. Public relations people. Lawyers. Their goal is to soften the blow. Don’t let them.
Euphemism What it really means
Bathroom tissue Toilet paper
Pre-owned vehicle Used car
Alternative facts Lies
Sex worker Prostitute
Gentlemen’s club Strip club
Conscious uncoupling Breaking up
Correctional institution Prison
Enhanced interrogation Torture
Negative cash flow Debt
Big boned Large
Family planning Birth control
Forced to resign Fired
Collateral damage Dead civilians
High occupancy vehicle (HOV) lane Carpool lane
K-9 Officer Police dog
And those stupid sports abbreviations:
Organized Training Activity (OTA) Training camp
Physically Unable to Perform (PUP) list. Injured list
USMNT/USWNT (United States Men’s/Women’s National Team) (Team of what? It’s soccer, but every
other acronym — NFL, NBA, NHL — actually has a letter for the sport.
Got a favorite euphemism? Send it in!
Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/XYT4rbYLgrQ
Next time: More tight writing.
Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!