In his years at The Palm Beach Post, Eliot kept a lot of “junque” on his desk. Including this Pinocchio figure he got in 2008 at a street fair in Venice, Italy. He would display it because, well, people lie. Would you be surprised to know that people — not just criminals or even everyday people but important business leaders and politicians — have, at times, lied to a newspaper reporter? Lied to his face. And sometimes, when confronted, lied about the lie. Which, of course, means they lied to you.
Eliot often joked that, at journalism school commencement, grads are given “B.S. meters.” In his career, Eliot must have worn out a half dozen.
ESPN 600
“Cheerleaders:” College cheerleaders really lead cheers. But professional football teams’ “cheerleaders” don’t. Do they? No. They are not cheerleaders. They’re dancers. The NBA uses dancers. And calls them dancers. The first time we see one of these at an NFL game actually lead a cheer, we’ll admit we’re wrong. Let us know.
Spokesperson: It used to be that press people for companies or government entities had two roles: to make statements, and answer questions, on behalf of the company, but also to gather facts reporters request. A lot of spokespersons couldn’t provide a reporter the company’s financials for the last five years if a gun was at their head. They might not even know what “financials” means. And don’t start with “spokesmodel.” Those models — all genders — do a lot of things. Speaking is not high on the list.
“Please listen carefully, as our telephone options recently have changed:” We mentioned this universally reviled irritation in our Jan, 29, 2023, segment, but no Pinocchio list can be without it. Next time you get a live person on the line, ask what options changed, and when. Expect dead air. This message nearly always is a lie to get you to pay attention.
(Also watch out for: “Sorry we can’t get to your call right away; we recently have experienced an unusually high volume of calls.” Also likely a lie.
And one more thing: Please retire this bureaucratic horror: “Select the option that best meets your needs.”
Success Performance Solutions
110 percent: We covered this back on July 4, 2021. Yes, we know it’s inspiring. But we all took math in high school. And we know there’s no such thing as 110 percent. Don’t ask us. Ask the experts.
“We’ll beat anyone’s price by 15 percent, or it’s free.” Even if you got a C in sixth-grade math, you realize how bogus this is. They’re saying they reserve the option of either giving you a discount or giving it to you for free. Wonder which option they’ll pick? Heck, they even fess up in the fine print! (See below)
Vegetable Oil: Just about all cooking oils are made from vegetables. Olive oil, corn oil, avocado oil, peanut oil. Those things are vegetables. The stuff called “vegetable oil?” It’s soybean oil. The industry says it uses “vegetable” because the product can be 15 percent something else, but really companies just think “vegetable” sounds better than “soybean.”
“You just pay shipping and handling.” We suspect some sales manager sitting around one day leaped up and shouted, “Dang! Handling.”
Genius.
That big box store charges you just for the toaster. It doesn’t charge you for them to handle it. Restaurants let you leave a tip. They don’t charge you up front for the waiter “handling” your meal.
In many cases, “shipping and handling” really just means “shipping,” but the outfits make it sound like you’re getting both for the price of one. Some companies actually will advertise free shipping, then throw in a bogus “handling” charge. This is right up there with the bogus “dealer fee” that got so many car dealerships in trouble.
Readers: Anyone lied to you? Send it in!
Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/4zV8x3Rr2cE?si=bfo0pROAgA7ouRhG
Next time: Good thing no sports announcer or writer ever said anything dumb!
Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!