Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
Photo by Chris Boyer on Unsplash
Segment 3: Write like it’s a telegram
Readers: Before everyone could afford a phone, and when phone calls across the country incurred a hefty “long-distance” charge, you sent a telegram. Early in the lifetimes of the Horribly Wrong team, some people still went to clerks who literally did the dot-dot-dash in the old Morse code that dates to the Civil War. Because this was labor-intensive, you paid by the word. It got expensive!
When we coach young writers, we tell them to pretend they are paying by the word. Or that their editor gave them a word limit. So, if they use enough unnecessary words, they run out of their allotment and have to leave out some important facts. An even better analogy is the soup rule. You’ve made a delicious soup. You want to feed more people. You add water. There’s more soup, but it’s not as good. Using unnecessary words is a form of cowardly writing. Be brave!
Each of these phrases could lose some words. When you’re done, you just might have saved enough money for a latte.
1. “I turned around and said, ‘You need to turn your life around.’”
“I said, ‘You need to turn your life around.’”
2. “Go ahead and buy the dress.”
“Buy the dress.”
3. “He fell off of the bed.”“
“He fell off the bed.”
4. “We’re making our initial/final descent into Pittsburgh.”
When was the last time you were on a plane that descended more than once? It happens, but rarely, and it’s usually bad. Just say, “We’re making our descent.”
5. “At this point in time.”
“Now.”
6. “…the West Palm Beach Police Department announced Thursday.”“
“…West Palm Beach police announced” (unless the story specifically is about the workings of the department)
7. “Going forward, we’ll be reducing staff size.”
“We’ll be reducing staff size.” Or better, “We’ll be reducing staff.” See, you just saved another word.
8. “At the end of the day, we just couldn’t do it.”
“We just couldn’t do it.”
9. “When all is said and done, we need this deal.”
“We need this deal.”
10. “The fact of the matter is the proposal is terrible.”
“The proposal is terrible.”
11. “I’d like to thank you for all your hard work.”
“I want to thank you for all your hard work.”
“Thank you for all your hard work.”
12. There are three men in the room.
“Three men are in the room.”
Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/O2IlgufaFnA
Next time: Oxymorons. For morons.
Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
From the Grammar Police
From the mailbag:
“I’ve always taken note of those (redundancies) built into acronyms. Take these hall of fame examples: SSN Number. ATM Machine. PIN Number.” — Alan Gross, Jacksonville, Fla.
(SSN: Social Security Number. ATM: Automatic Teller Machine. PIN: Personal Identification Number.)
"Something Went Horribly Wrong” features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
Segment 2: Redundancies and unnecessary words, Part Two
Readers: Here are more words that just use up valuable space and make your writing at best wordy and at worst wrong.
1. The bar is located at Third and Main, Chula Vista, CA 91911.
“Located” is an active verb. If you’re saying you drove around the neighborhood until you located the bar, that’s OK. Otherwise, just say, “The bar is at Third and Main in Chula Vista.” You already know Chula Vista is in California, and unless you're planning to mail the bar a letter, you don't need the ZIP code. In some cases, when the town is known, you can save even more words by saying only, “The bar is at Third and Main.”
2. Hot water heater
This is one of our favorite goofs. It’s not a hot water heater! It’s just a water heater! It doesn’t heat hot water! Actually, it heats cold water!
3. Convicted felon; ex-felon; ex-convict
If you’re a felon, you already are convicted. And you never are an ex-felon or an ex-convict (unless your original conviction is overturned). What the writer probably intended is that the person was an ex-inmate or ex-prisoner.
4. Eyewitness
Just ”witness.” The eye thing is presumed.
5. Pickup truck.
Also one of our favorite goofs. A pickup is a type of truck. You wouldn’t say “a sedan car” or “a yacht boat.” Just say pickup. Really. You can.
6. Rio Grande River.
“Rio Grande” is Spanish for “big river.” So you’re saying “Big river river.”
7. Tuna fish.
Steak beef. Chicken poultry. Zucchini vegetable. Coffee beverage. Now don’t you feel stupid about all the times you’ve said, “tuna fish?”
8. Blazing inferno
What else would an inferno be doing?
9. Met in person. Met face-to-face.
You are presumed to meet in person unless you specify that you met by phone or FaceTime.
10. The thieves fled on foot.
Unless you mention a car, people are presumed to flee on foot. Just say they “ran off,” or “ran away,” or just “ran.”
11. Writhed on the ground. Writhed in pain.
You can’t writhe standing up. And some squirm and contort on the ground for reasons other than pain, such as nausea, or grief, but pain is the presumed reason unless otherwise specified.
Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/SdkxCZmQrNU
Next time: Write like you’re paying by the word
Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
From the Grammar Police
Take a look at these grammar goofs:
Next time: More redundant redundancies
Segment 1: Redundancies for Dunces. And words you just don’t need.
Readers: People who add unnecessary words, in order to add emphasis, are what the Horribly Wrong team bluntly calls “cowardly writers.” They’re paranoid that they haven’t made their point. An extra word rarely means better writing. A series of powerful and brief sentences is all the impact you need. Be brave!
1. $500 dollars
This literally says, “Five hundred dollars dollars.”
2. 8 a.m. in the morning
“8 a.m.” Or, “8 in the morning.” Not both.
3. At 12 midnight. At 12 noon.
Just “midnight” or “noon.”
4. Whether or not
Just “whether.”
5. Each and every
Same thing. Really. It is. Look at it.
6. First and foremost
Same thing.
7. Rules and regulations
They are different in only the most technical ways. For your purposes, they’re the same thing.
8. Residential neighborhood
What other kind of neighborhood is there?
9. Strangled to death
Strangled presumes death.
10. Fatally drowned
“Drowned” presumes death. (“Was drowned” implies murder)
11. Completely destroyed
“Destroyed” presumes complete destruction, unless modified by “partly” or “partially.”
12. Trained professional
If you’re being paid, you got trained to some extent. For that matter, even amateurs and volunteers get at least some training. Redundant!
Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/UCj0VGJdlP0
Next time: More redundant redundancies
Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
Photo by Artur Tumasjan on Unsplash
Introduction
A king told his trusty squire: "Go down to the dungeon and kill James and Guinevere’s son. Get this right or you lose your head as well.”
How many people does the squire kill?
Are you sure?
Good writing is about clarity. Very few of you will write for a living. But all of you need to know how to write. You don’t necessarily have to be a great writer. But you really should be a correct writer.
And so we introduce “Something Went Horribly Wrong.”
In case you didn’t figure it out, the phrase is a cliché. One that’s been so overused it’s become farce.
In this feature, we will show you more clichés, plus grammatical errors, redundancies, oxymorons, and goofs of history and geography. We suspect you will groan when you recognize mistakes you’ve made.
The explosion of social media, emails, and texting should have made everyone, through practice, better writers. Instead, people invited shortcuts and celebrated bad writing. The result is the dumbing down we see today.
Perhaps you can get away with it on Facebook. But a company memo that goes on too long and is unintelligible, or is filled with inappropriate language that gets you in trouble with the boss, is doing your career no favors. And an ad that has a grammatical mistake a third-grader wouldn’t make isn’t good for business. It just might turn off customers.
And don’t even start with the comma that cost an airplane maker $70 million! (That’s for a future segment.)
“But wait!” you will say. “Who are you to tell me I have to get it right? There’s no grammar police, fining me for getting something wrong.”
You’re correct. But, we would proffer this: Every day you make decisions that affect how people judge you.
Imagine attending a black-tie affair in a tuxedo, but with orange socks. Or coming to work in shorts.
“Well!” you say. “I’d never do that in a million years.” We say, “Why not? There’s no fashion police.” You say, “It would make me look stupid.”
Aha!
So, you won’t wear orange socks with a tux or come to work in shorts. But you do write, “Lay down by the television.” Or you order up a doormat that reads, “The Wilson’s.” Or you invite us over this weekend to meet Jim and Nancy’s son and leave us scratching our heads as to whether we’ll be meeting one person or two.
“Horribly Wrong” is the work of two recent retirees of the Palm Beach Post newspaper.
Photo by Laura Thonne on Unsplash
Photo: DaValle Fine Art
The writer is Eliot Kleinberg, a veteran of more than four decades as a newspaper and broadcast reporter, most of it in South Florida. His Florida history column runs in two dozen newspapers. He also is the author of a dozen books.
The brains, the guru, and the one-person rules committee is Lou Ann Frala, who over the same period was a copy editor extraordinaire, catching all the mistakes reporters make and saving many a career. Including Eliot’s!
Lou Ann relies on the most prestigious references for grammar, information, and something we in the business call “style,” a set of standards that ensures a publication’s use of words and phrases is consistent. We’ll explain that farther — sorry, further — in a future segment.
While writing has rules, they were written by people, and language is a living thing. So, rules will change, and not always for the better. (We still “dial” our phone.) Our feature allows for discussion, and we suspect one or more professors, students, authors or journalists will challenge us. Bring it on! The intercourse — of ideas, not what you’re thinking — makes all of us better writers. (Whoops. We almost said, “Makes us all better writers.” Wrong!)
The only rule for comments, is civility. Unlike other rules, that’s an absolute. And at our discretion. Any profanity, personal attack, or — shudder — introduction of politics will get you blocked from commenting.
And, of course, we crave questions, as well as suggestions for future segments. That’s how we’ll keep this feature going.
We’re not the only feature trying to teach proper writing. Many good ones are on the internet, and if you’ve found one that’s helping you, that’s fine. We don’t care who weans you off those orange socks.
Just remember that we are hating the sin but loving the sinner. Our goal is to make the world a better place through proper writing. And have some fun. Many of the goofs are pretty funny.
So check us out for the latest installment of examples of writing that will make you laugh, shudder, roll your eyes, or tense with the realization when you recognize something you have done. (Should there be a comma after “eyes”? That’s for another column.)
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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!
Next Time: Redundant redundancies