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Back on May 8, 2022, we took on some of the dumb things sports writers, sports announcers, sports marketers and sports teams say. No one should have expected we were done. Or will be. After all, there’s always next year!
1. “Quarterback suspended for violating team rules.”
Sports teams have gotten away with this for years. The phrase means absolutely nothing. Obviously the guy violated team rules. That could be anything. It would be as stupid as saying “Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested on Nov. 22, 1963, in Dallas, for violating Texas state law.”
The question you, the reader, want someone to ask — and the one any competent reporter must ask — is what rules? And if officials won’t tell, the story has to say that: “…was suspended for violating unspecified team rules.” “…undisclosed team rules.” “…team rules that officials did not spell out.” “…that officials would not spell out.” “…that officials refused to spell out.” And of course, “Officials not only would not say which rule was violated but also did not say what the person allegedly did.”
Just saying “violated team rules” gives them a pass.
2. “Wow! All these people from Buffalo came down to Miami for the game!”
The Horribly Wrong team is based in South Florida. Unless you live in a cave, you know the area is jammed with transplants. At any given Marlins, Dolphins, Heat, or Panthers game, you invariably will find the visitors being vociferously rooted on by former residents who moved down but stayed loyal to their old team. That won’t stop stupid sports announcers from making the stupid statement shown. Yes, some people rooting for the Bills are vacationing, or “snowbirds,” part-time residents. But most live here.
3. “Wow! All these people came from Tuscaloosa to Atlanta for this game!”
Do any Penn State alumni live in Philadelphia? Wisconsin alumni in Chicago? Arizona alumni in Los Angeles? That’s who’s in the stands rooting for the visiting school. Not people who live in the small college town. C’mon.
4. “Diaz has now given up seven runs over his last 2.1 innings pitched.”
We’ve seen this more than once. Explaining the goof requires, well, “inside baseball.” An inning is three outs. So statisticians split innings into thirds. Diaz gave up seven runs over his last two and one third innings. Which every elementary school student knows is not the same as 2.1 innings.
5. “With our marketing plans, you’ll hit a home run with your clients!”
“Our cattle feed mix is a slam dunk for your dairy operation!”
“With our power tools, you’ll have a power play on your next project!”
“Sack high prices at Foodway!”
Can we finally call foul on moronic sports metaphors? Please?
6. “Both benches emptied, resulting in a full-pledged brawl.”
Not full-pledged. It’s full-fledged, meaning fully developed. It stems from an old English word for feathered. And it’s a cliché.
7. “…giving his Puerto Rico team the win in the championship game and sending the sold-out crowd of 36,025 at LoanDepot Park into a frenzy.”
Sixteen teams took part in this event. Even if only fans of the finalists attended the title game, it’s likely that, at most, half of the sold-out crowd went into a frenzy. The other half was pretty bummed.
8. “Ohtani's choice of the Dodgers, who play in the nation's second-largest media market, only enhances his stature, and that of his sport.”
Japanese superstar Shohei Ohtani moved to the Los Angeles Dodgers from the Angels, who play in Anaheim. Thirty miles away. They’re even called the Los Angeles Angels. He already was in the second-largest media market.
9. “A big game tonight in South Beach.”
Some sportscasters have decided that South Beach, which encompasses a few blocks at the southern end of Miami Beach, is an accurate term for the multicounty, multimillion person South Florida region. Hollywood, California, suffers from this as well. For the record, no sports teams play in South Beach. Yes, you could argue it’s colloquial. But will you give us a dollar for every tourist who comes to South Beach looking for an arena?
10. “Big U hopes to continue its 28-game winning streak, while Eastern State is spoiling for an upset.”
In this promo, “Spoiling for an upset” means, “We are desperately searching for clever wording to get someone, anyone, to watch this rout.”
12. “And they (NFL players) do not want to be interviewed when they’re naked. [And] to open the door for doing some solutioning of what could be more effective.”
Old friend, and occasional contributor, Rob Yankowitz, reminds us of the dastardly habit of “verbing.” That’s arbitrarily turning words into verbs, in direct violation of the laws of nature. Corporate types are most guilty of this felony. How about, “….to find a better solution.”
12. “Linebacker Roger Jones is struggling with personal issues.”
“The arraignment is Tuesday.”
Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/FFZ7E-9oADY?si=HRbGHoBFzd-fQ_kb
Next time: More of “Huh?”
Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com
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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!