It’s our 60th Segment!

Readers: In the past two years, we’ve attempted to guide you to better writing. Some people wondered if we could find enough examples of bad writing, week after week, to fill our blog. Oh, ye of little faith!

By now, you’ve seen that we run segments every other week and post “Grammar Police” in the off week. Last week, we listed the best of five dozen reports by the Grammar Police. Today is our Oscars ceremony. Here are the most outrageous examples — up to now — from five dozen segments of “Something Went Horribly Wrong.”

1. From our Jan. 31, 2021, segment on redundant redundancies:

Hot water heater

This is one of our all-star goofs. It’s not a hot water heater! It’s just a water heater! It doesn’t heat hot water! Actually, it heats cold water!

2. From our Dec. 4, 2022, segment, in which we butchered the openings to classic novels:

“The era had resulted in the most positive of outcomes. But, paradoxically, it also had been the most unpleasant period.”

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." – Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

3. From our Sept. 12, 2021, segment, “Everybody Doesn’t Like Grammar.”

The bridge was ordered to be torn down. The dog was ordered to be euthanized. 

The dog and bridge weren’t ordered to do anything. Neither would listen, anyway. They’re a dog. And a bridge. Maybe you could order the dog to sit. People were “ordered to euthanize the dog” and “directed to tear down the bridge.”

4. From our June 20, 2021 segment on newspaper goofs:

An unidentified suspect robbed the bank. Later, Robert DeNiro was arrested. He is suspected of being the suspect who is suspected of robbing the bank. 

In Eliot’s four-plus decades of reporting, much of it about crime, nothing was more infuriating than this one. We found the mistake in old radio shows dating to the 1930s. A suspect is someone who is suspected of something. Duh. A suspect doesn’t rob a bank. A bank robber robs a bank. Later, when police begin to believe Robert DeNiro robbed the bank, only then does Bob become the suspect. If police say a suspect robbed a bank, ask of what he was suspected when he did so. And “unidentified suspect” is impossible. Also, once DeNiro is charged, he’s not even the suspect any more. He’s the defendant.

5. From our Aug. 15, 2021, segment on the maligned comma:

When you separate phrases with a comma, you’re using it to substitute for words you don’t want to repeat. It makes for tight writing, which we love. But you have to use it right! Otherwise you create a grammatical mess. We see the same mistake a lot. In nearly every case, adding “or” or “and” in the appropriate spot fixes the sentence. For some reason we don’t understand, the greatest offenders in this regard are commercials for drugs, specifically in the usage warnings. We’re guessing this is wording the federal government requires. Sure wish those bureaucrats in Washington included someone with a basic grip on grammar. Here’s an example (To avoid a nasty call from a lawyer, we replaced the drug’s real name with that of a stimulant used in “Star Trek”):

“WARNING: Do not take Formazine if you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant.”

Here’s what that sentence literally is saying:

• Do not take Formazine if you are nursing.
• Do not take Formazine if you are pregnant.
• Do not take Formazine if you are may become pregnant.

Is that what the makers of “Formazine” wanted to say? We suspect it’s not. This is correct: ”WARNING: Do not take Formazine if you are nursing or pregnant or may become pregnant.”

6. From our Jan. 30, 2022, segment on misplaced modifiers:

Meghan Markle made her first public appearance Tuesday since giving birth wearing Givenchy.

She gave birth wearing Givenchy? Wish we could have seen that!

7. From our March 27, 2022, segment on the dangers of using foreign phrases and images:

“Principal: This morning my daughter came home to say her teacher was discussing how Americans use foreign phrases without even knowing it. What kind of chutzpah is that? Who the heck is this prima donna? Does she think she has carte blanche? And in kindergarten! How do I know she's even bona fide? I don't need her going on ad nauseam about this. And en masse to the class no less! Don't think I am accepting this as a fait accompli. It's caveat emptor, as you know, and I'm not going to tolerate this faux pas. If that's your school's modus operandi, you might just find yourself persona non grata. And don't forget; you're not doing this pro bono. Everything has a quid pro quo, and I'm not going to accept the status quo on this. And I’m not just being macho.”

8. From our Dec. 18, 2022, segment on cowardly writing:

"It’s a safe bet that Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino might break the NFL career passing yards record.”

It’s not just a safe bet. That he might break the record is absolute fact. That he WILL break the record is the maybe.

9. From our Jan. 31, 2021, segment on redundant redundancies:

Convicted felon; ex-felon; ex-convict

If you’re a felon, you already are convicted. And you never are an ex-felon or an ex-convict (unless your original conviction is overturned). What the writer probably intended is that the person was an ex-inmate or ex-prisoner.

10. From our Nov. 20, 2022, segment, “More bad TV:”
“Returning now to our breaking news on last week’s shooting…” 
“We have breaking details.”
“Watch out for breaking traffic.”

The term “breaking news,” sadly, has become meaningless, and is hovering dangerously close to being a cliché, if it has’t gotten there already. And don’t start with “breaking details” or “breaking traffic.” Those make no sense. They’re what we call “cliché creep.” But “breaking news” is the primary offender. Four days after the Jan. 6, 2021, U.S. Capitol attack, TV still was calling it “breaking news." It still was the biggest story, but it wasn’t breaking news. This is: A plane just crashed. People just were shot at a bus station. The U.S. Senate just passed a historic vote. The CEO of a major corporation just resigned. Two hours later, it’s not breaking news, unless another plane crashed, another shooting occurred, another historic vote took place, or another CEO quit. Supplemental developments — plane passengers arrived at the hospital, buses started running again, the Senate took a dinner break, or the CEO was seen leaving his office carrying a cardboard box — are NOT breaking news. They still are big news, but they are not breaking news. This might sound like a lot of judgment calls. It is. That’s why newspaper metro editors and TV producers get big bucks. But these days, most of the time , when TV says “breaking news,” it just isn’t.

11. From our Jan. 30, 2022, segment on misplaced modifiers:

He almost beat his girlfriend to death.

What if he almost beat his girlfriend to death, but she got out a window before he could touch her? Sadly, that is not what happened here. He beat his girlfriend. Almost to death.

12. From our July 3, 2022, segment, “More Lightning Bugs:”

TV commercial: "Science projects for kids 0-16." 
Church notice: "During services, we provide child care for children from birth to 8."

What exactly would be age 0? And is the church expecting babies to come to their care straight from the birth canal? Say "Science projects for kids up to 16." And, "child care for children up to 8."

13. From our May 8, 2022 segment on sports goofs:

“The pitcher has been scuffling his last few games.”

This horrible, horrible malaprop must have snuck into the country with the coronavirus!  What the headline writer wanted to say is that the pitcher has been “struggling.” As in not doing so great. A “scuffle” is a fight, usually just shoving, between two guys at a bar. 

14. From our Dec. 19, 2021, segment, “Disqualifiers: Anatomy:”

You don’t have to be a doctor to write about the human body. But don’t make stupid mistakes. One we see every day is “stomach.” Almost every reference to it in literature and news reports is wrong! Your stomach is in your chest, just above the centerline of your torso. It’s next to your liver and just below your lungs and heart. And yet time and time again, people point to the area around the belly button and call it the stomach. Punched in the stomach. Shot in the stomach. Stomach ache. Wrong, wrong, wrong. That area comprises your intestines. OK. You don’t want to say that. But say “abdomen” or “belly” or “torso.” Don’t say stomach. Also, why do you say someone was lying on his stomach? He was lying on all his other organs as well. Say he was lying on his belly. Or his chest.

15. From our Jan. 31, 2021, segment on redundant redundancies:

Pickup truck.

Also one of our favorite goofs. A pickup is a type of truck. You wouldn’t say “a sedan car” or “a yacht boat.” Just say pickup. Really. You can.

16. From our Aug. 1, 2021, segment, “Only, Only, Only,”

A national insurance company says in its commercials, “Only pay for what you need.” We suspect the firm has gotten emails from outraged English professors across the country. A cynic might theorize the company knowingly did it wrong to be provocative and draw attention. So, which of the following is correct?

A. Only pay for what you need. 
B. Pay only for what you need. 
C. Pay for what you only need. 
D. Pay for what only you need.
E. Pay for only what you need.

In this case, E is correct. A, the version the company uses in its commercials, would suggest you neither eat, sleep or breathe; you do just one thing: Pay for what you need.

17. From our June 20, 2021, segment, “Newspapers Goof Too:”

His blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit to be driving drunk.. 

Another all-star goof. The level was three times the legal limit to NOT be driving drunk. “Limit” means top end. Say, “His blood alcohol level was three times the legal minimum for impairment.” Or “threshold.”

18. From our Jan. 30, 2022, segment on misplaced modifiers:

Tuna fish. 

Steak beef. Chicken poultry. Zucchini vegetable. Coffee beverage. Now don’t you feel stupid about all the times you’ve said, “tuna fish?”

19. From our May 9, 2021, segment on TV News:

The residents of the nursing home had to be evacuated.

“Evacuated” is another one TV gets wrong pretty regularly. “Evacuate” means to empty. You evacuate a town or an arena. Evacuating people is something in the realm of gastroenterology. One morning, TV breathlessly reported that a nursing home had caught fire and that “the residents all had to evacuate.” Bet they did.

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/4lmcGQSusSA

Next time: It’s all in how you say it.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!