From the Grammar Police

Oh, those leftovers!

The turkey was as dry as a dessert!

Susan Salisbury

We suspect they meant “record-breaking.” But we do love our breading! Especially during the most wonderful time of the year.

We’ve covered this before. It might be Eliot’s number one repeat offense. There’s not a manhunt for a suspect. There’s a manhunt for a shooter. When they arrest John Doe, he’ll be the man suspected of being the shooter. The suspect. And by the way, should we outlaw “manhunt” as not gender-neutral? Discuss.

Same media outlet. Same week. Same incidents. And same mistake! Lots of robberies but one wave and one plague. A wave of robberies “plagues stores.” A string “leads California investigators to…”

Iconic is an absolute! Like pregnant. You can’t be more iconic.

Art Fyvolent

How could a discovery be anything but accidental?

Susan Salisbury

An obituary is the last thing that will be written about someone. You don’t want to see grammar or spelling errors.

CNN

We always give cops a break, since they don’t have to be great writers. But this one's a doozy. Under what circumstances would someone consent to being run over?

A longtime associate of the Horribly Wrong Team suggested that every once in a while we show where someone got it right! “Electric-car” and “long-simmering” are used correctly, as are “Morgan’s,” “bank’s,” and “Tesla’s.” And it’s not “CEO’s!”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 6: Lightning Bugs. https://youtu.be/JGjKpRcB6aU

Whoops: During the video portion of the Nov. 21 segment, on geography, Eliot made the mistake of extemporizing, and made a history goof! He said England was America’s oldest ally. Even if you don’t know nothin’ bout history (next week’s segment), you probably, by now, have seen Hamilton, so you know our oldest ally! Nous nous excusons auprès de nos amis français.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 23: Disqualifiers, Part One: Geography

Readers: During Eliot’s career, his commute was a half hour each way. That meant a lot of time listening to audiobooks. Sometimes Eliot would find himself at the “Friends of the Library” sales rack, where donated items are sold to raise money, and would grab some book he’d never heard of and take a chance on it. In the car, he’d pop it in, only to conclude in the first few minutes it was so bad he had to eject it and move on to something else. 

Often the tipping point was an inexplicably basic error of geography, history or anatomy. Such errors are fact errors. Period. In Eliot’s Journalism 201 class at the University of Florida, a million years ago, a fact error drew an automatic F. And in the case of the bad audiobook, for Eliot, they disqualified it. Eject!

A few items are more a question of “style” (see our previous column.) “Better” rather than right or wrong. We, and others, believe good style makes for clearer writing.  

Today: Geography. 

1. Brooklyn, NY

We see this all the time. It’s wrong. Brooklyn, NY doesn’t exist. Using “xxx, NY” means that’s a city. Brooklyn is not a city. It’s part of New York City. So you can say, “the New York borough of Brooklyn,” Yes, we know it once was its own city. Get over it. Yes, we know the post office accepts it. For writing, it’s wrong.

2. Flushing, NY

This is even more wrong than Brooklyn. Flushing is a neighborhood of a borough of a city. It’s Flushing, Queens, New York, NY.

3. Long Island, NY

Brooklynletters.com

Long Island is not a city. It’s a 100-plus-mile island covered by two counties. It’s four if you include the New York boroughs of Brooklyn (Kings County) and Queens (Queens County), which geographically are attached, although most people don’t include them. Long Island has 13 towns, two cities, 97 villages, 173 hamlets, more than 120 public school districts and more than 900 taxing districts. You wouldn’t say, “Monterey Peninsula, Calif.,” or “Outer Banks, N.C.” You can say “New York’s Long Island” or “Woodmere, on Long Island.”

4. Ontario, Canada

This is OK, as long as you are willing to say, “Maryland, U.S.” Better to say, “Toronto, Canada,” Or, really, “Toronto, Ontario.”

5.  The Vermont-Canada border

Wrong! It’s apples and oranges. One is a U.S. state and the other is a country. Say “the U.S.-Canada border” or "“the Vermont-Quebec border.”

6. The Florida-Georgia border

This one is style. But again, our motto is that consistency improves clarity. Our style: border, state line, county line, city limit. So: The U.S.-Mexico border. The Florida-Georgia state line. The Fulton-DeKalb county line. The Austin city limit.

7. The Marlins have 21 foreign players, three of those from Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico is part of the United States!!! If you did not know this, you have to sit in the corner.

8. West Boca

City of Los Angeles

In southern California, more than two thirds of the area of Los Angeles County — a total of 2,653 square miles, an area bigger than Delaware — is unincorporated. It’s not in any city. Any one of the some 1 million people living there might say he lives in Los Angeles, but in the interest of accuracy, you shouldn’t. This is more of an issue here in Southeast Florida, where municipalities line the coast and interior areas are just open parts of various counties. Lazy reporters will call the area west of a city “west.” As in “West Boca.” The problem with that is that, of course, there already is a West Boca. It’s the west side of the city of Boca Raton. Once you cross the street, you are WEST OF BOCA RATON. We like to say, “New Mexico is not in West Texas. It’s west of Texas. And West Virginia is not western Virginia. Just ask ‘em.”

9. The Cowboys stadium is in Dallas. Arlington National Cemetery is in Washington.

Wrong. Do your homework! The Cowboys stadium is in the Dallas suburb of Arlington, Texas. And dealing with “Arlington” for the cemetery near Washington is a good way to start another Civil War. It might be just across the river, but it’s in Virginia. Lazy writers will just presume. Don’t. Look it up.

10. England is the United Kingdom. 

Geology.com

England is PART OF the United Kingdom, which consists of England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.

11. Iran is the most dangerous Muslim country in the Arab world.

Iran is Muslim, but it’s not Arab. Some areas are Arab but not Muslim. People are OK with dozens of Christian denominations, but presume all Arabs are Muslims and all Muslims are Arabs and everyone in the Middle East is both. Wrong.

12. France has an embassy in Atlanta.

An embassy is a foreign country’s primary institution. It almost always is in the capital. If a foreign country has regional institutions, they are called consulates

13. Everglades. Rockies. Hawaii Volcanoes. 

Careful. Parts of the Everglades, parts of the Rockies, and some of Hawaii’s volcanoes are outside the national parks.

14. The Gulfstream

The ocean current is two words.

15.  The Sunshine State, the River of Grass, the Big Apple, Empire State, the Nation’s Capital, Music City, the Big Easy, Sin City.

You can use each of these nicknames once. Once. After that, it’s a cliché.

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/r3bSrxAE3MU

Next time: Bad history

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

One. One. One in nine Americans faces food insecurity.

This ad doesn’t know who’s who. Both sentences refer to the potential customer, not the jeweler. Change the first sentence to “How much is your jewelry worth?”

Read here for the latest in ootball, aseball and asketball!

Sppel check, sppel check, sppel check!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 5: Homophones. https://youtu.be/8fp0P4ZIK00

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 22: Style

Readers: The concept of writing “style” often is a question not of right or wrong, but “OK” vs. “better.” It’s a method by which institutions create rules for how to say certain things so they always are consistent. It just helps. Every newspaper in America, not to mention the Associated Press, has a bible called a “stylebook.” Both Eliot and Lou Ann were on a committee that in 1993 updated the one for The Palm Beach Post.

Each of the following examples is in keeping with the AP stylebook, and those guys seem to know what they’re doing.

1. Over 100 planes flew over the city.

Over” is more about place than math. Use “More than 100” instead.

2. Fewer gas cars means less gasoline used.

This is correct. “Fewer” for objects. “Less” for volume.

3. Congressional medal of honor

Its official name doesn’t include “Congressional.”

4. The Washington Senators were a whopping 17.5 games behind the Yankees.

If you never will use 17.6 or 17.4, just use a fraction. They were 17½ games behind. And why on earth would you use 17.0? We’ve seen it.

5. The jury found the defendant innocent. 

Under the American system of justice, a jury doesn’t rule that someone was innocent. It rules that prosecutors failed to prove the person guilty. In fact, more than one jury has said it believed the person did it but the state didn’t prove it, so he/she walks. Preferred: A jury found the defendant not guilty.

6. The Democrat party

We want to be careful here, because this gets into politics. But not really. It’s not the Republic party. People on the right started a policy of not saying “Democratic Party” and instead said “Democrat Party,” for obvious optics. If you want to do it, go ahead. We will follow our style. And not because of politics.

7. Police released a report.

Who came up with the idea of agencies “releasing” a report? It conjures up images of the reporter as Oliver Twist, empty plate in hand, waiting for some bureaucrat to deign to provide information. “Please, sir. I’d like some more.” And, frankly, “release” suggests the agency is giving the information as an act of charity. This is public information to which the public is entitled, unless there's a good reason to withhold it. And the optic is of someone opening a cage door and letting something escape. Say “posted” or “provided" or "issued." Also, saying police “did not release information about how the man was killed” is woefully wordy and bureaucratic. Say, “Police did not say how the man was killed.”

8. This was the worst plane crash in U.S. history.

You can argue a plane crash that killed a lot of people was the best plane crash, and the worst crash would be a plane that didn’t crash. Daily usage probably has overruled us on this one. Maybe “most horrific plane crash.” (By the way, remember not to substitute “deadly plane crash!”)

9. It’s one thing to be a killer, but JFK’s murderer was the assassin of our time.

This sentence is correct. You can be a killer (accidental) without being a murderer. And most murderers are not assassins. An assassin is the killer of a political figure.

10. Dr. Jill Biden is not a doctor.

10. This caused a stir just before Joe Biden’s inauguration. Associated Press style is to use “Dr.” only for medical doctors, and so the wire service would not say, “Dr. Albert Einstein,” “Dr. Henry Kissinger,” or “Dr. Martin Luther King.” Some newspapers have chosen not to follow that rule. We at Horribly Wrong do follow it, and would not call Mrs. Biden “Dr. Biden” in news stories. But we note that Jill Biden does have a doctorate, and she and others can use “Dr.” in front of their names if they want.

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/Goq4t5nC0aw

Next time: Bad geography

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

These are scary!

The horror of the misplaced modifier! Sounds like the quiet and careful observer is very skittish! Apparently, observers also prefer to hunt at night and sleep during the day.

Aargh! It’s Santa! Already! And while he might know how to make a list, these folks don’t. Here’s what this says:
Santa said you were naughty.
Santa said you were nice.
Santa said you were laughed out loud.
Correct:
Santa:
Said you were naughty
Said you were nice.
Laughed out loud.

Better: “We all could use…”

Robbie Kleinberg

The Apostrophe Monster strikes again!

And there’s that dollars dollars thing again again.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 4: Oxymorons. https://youtu.be/_2-c0SVy67w

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 21: Prepositions

Readers:  Here’s a marvelous grammar joke: A Texan, on his first day as a student at Harvard, stops by two people who are sitting in the quad. He asks, “Excuse me boys. Where’s the student union at?” One of the men sniffs, “At Harvard, we don’t end a sentence with a preposition.” The Texan takes a breath, and says, “OK. Where’s the student union at, a**hole?”

Many grammar scholars have relented and begun allowing sentences to end in prepositions. The “Horribly Wrong” team doesn’t like them. This is a segment that’s subject to discussion. So discuss.

• This is something I won’t put up with.

• This is an ideal I pledge allegiance to.

• Whose house are you staying in?

• What are you talking about?

• Who will we go with?

• Where did they come from?

• I wonder who/whom this book was written by.

• These expenses still haven’t been accounted for.

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/vkgrc3zTO7U

Next time: The stylebook

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Recently, part of the Horribly Wrong Team went to New England to see leaves showing traditional bright colors -- and also saw signs showing traditional grammatical mistakes!

Perhaps if they didn’t expend unnecessary apostrophes, they could afford to stay open on Tuesdays!

Another sign not making cents! A tenth of a penny? A fourth of a penny? They meant a dime and a quarter, didn’t they?

Hey! Let’s make up a word! And then use the correct spelling right next to it!

Scott Simmons

We’re sure someone spent a lot of time making this sign. Did no one notice?

Erica Beresh

Yeah. This one too.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 3: Tight Writing. https://youtu.be/O2IlgufaFnA

From the mailbag:

Can I suggest there be a special place in hell for those authors who use the word "smirk" in the place of the word "smile"? I have been seeing this in dozens of books I have read in the past several years. Listen up, authors! Words have meaning. Words are your stock in trade. LEARN the meaning of your words. Unless you really do mean to knock your readers right out of the spell of your stories and force them to never buy your books again. Also, seeing as how I am on a rant, people who use "should of" instead of "should've", and not in a quaint-example-of-ignorant-country-dialect way, but as straight up normal speech, also need to end up in that same corner of hell. — Brigitta Veseu, Palm Coast, Fla.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 20: Its not that hard

Readers: All of these are wrong! Including our headline.

• The battery lost it’s juice (“Its juice”)

• You know when its time to go. (“it’s time”)

• Do you know where your going? (“where you’re”)

• Everyone loved you’re presentation. (“loved your”)

• Don’t panic. Their coming to save you. (“they’re coming”)

• The players all forgot they’re uniforms. (“their uniforms”)

• I don’t know whose coming, but I know who’s car this is. (“who’s coming,” “whose car”)

• Lets win this for the old man. (Let’s win this”)

• Student’s supporting Mitt Romney should meet in the lounge. (“Students supporting”)

• Student’s grades will be posted Thursday. (“Students’ grades”)

• Holiday greetings from the Miller’s. (“Millers”)

• You cant handle the truth. (“can’t handle”)

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/Pih1IvLnQJA

Next time: The pesky preposition

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Readers: While researching newspaper archives from the 1930s, for a project unrelated to “Horribly Wrong,” our team discovered the same mistakes it finds now. When it comes to bad grammar, when will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?

It is entire stock?

Here’s a modifier that’s as far away from its object as Uruguay is from Germany.

Back to the present:

Hey! They reduced their budget by one letter and passed the savings on to you! How exquiste!

Never should. Always should. Never should. You don't "mow never the yard." So don't say you "should never buy something."

Repeat offense. “.50 cents” equals a half penny. They likely meant 50 cents.

Hank Kleinberg

Puppies are cute. Even they know to get on the waiting list if you’re interested.

This is, of course, redundant. How would you reveal something for a second time?

Robbie Kleinberg

How easy it would be to fix this!

Custom cakes for any occasion

Baked on premises

Better:

Custom cakes

baked here daily

Wrong. Tenants call attention. A group calls attention.

And one that shocked us by actually getting it right!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 2: More redundancies. https://youtu.be/SdkxCZmQrNU

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 19: Everyone Doesn’t Like Grammar, Part Two

Readers: In our previous segment, we listed some common grammatical mistakes. Even if the Horribly Wrong team limited itself to just the most outrageous, did you really think they’d fit in one segment? Here are more:

1. Each defendant is entitled to legal council.

Nope. A lawyer might speak before a city council, but your lawyer is your legal counsel.

2. The class action suit was filed by attorney generals from a dozen states.

Not “attorney generals.” “Attorneys general” is awkward but correct, unless the attorneys, who might not be lawyers at all, are generals (they get to wear the stars).

3. The local historic society threw a party to commemorate the historical event.

“Historical” refers to the study of history. “Historic” means something that has historic importance.

4. Dorothy saw the Wicked Witch as she peddled by.

It’s “pedal.” Peddling is selling things.

5. Quentin Tarantino co-executive-produced the movie.

From what lab did someone cobble together phrases to create a grammatical Frankenstein’s monster? You can’t just shove parts of speech together and hope they stick. And, as we have shown in previous segments, you can’t arbitrarily make a noun a verb, and vice versa. You can’t just keep adding modifiers until your sentence becomes so heavy it falls off the table and gets eaten by your dog. It’s cowardly writing. Be brave! “Quentin Tarantino was an executive producer of the movie.”

6. A couple lawyers just sat down.

“A couple of lawyers.”

7. You may get sick if you eat too much.

“May” means you have permission. What you want to say is that you might get sick or could get sick.

8. He was the best running back ever, even compared to today’s players.

Wrong. You compare to one person. You compare with many persons.

9. Banks love to loan money, but I could never get a loan.

Loan is a noun. Lend is a verb. And it’s “never could.” So: “Banks love to lend money, but I never could get a loan.”

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/EpaisXp1J0s

Next time: Its not that hard. It really isnt.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

From the Grammar Police

We’re getting possessive about apostrophe’s!

Scott Simmons

Scott Simmons

And we go to the archives for Segment 1: Redundancies. https://youtu.be/UCj0VGJdlP0

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 18: Everyone Doesn’t Like Grammar

Readers: Kudos to everyone who caught the mistake in the headline! This is a common goof. It suggests no one likes grammar. Clearly some people, including your “Horribly Wrong” team, like grammar very much. More grammar goofs:

1. All law firms are not alike.

This is a chronic goof similar to the one in the headline. You can argue that many law firms are not alike, but clearly some are alike. Correct: “Not all law firms are alike.”

2. Tebow is an alumni of the University of Florida. 

“Alumni” is plural. Tebow is an alumnus. A female is an alumna.

3. The media is picking on the new mayor.

“The media” also is plural. So you’d have to say, “The media are...” But we hate the phrase “the media” anyhow, since it clearly has come to mean more than just reporters, and no one can decide who it includes and excludes.

4. More reporters mean more stories.

“More reporters means more stories.” Again, you are referring not to “reporters” but to “more” which is a single concept.

5. None of the businesses are licensed. 

None of the businesses is licensed. You are referring not to “businesses” but to “none,” which takes a singular.

6. The Army, with all its divisions, have one of the world’s greatest fighting forces.

You’re playing off “the Army,” not “divisions,” so the Army has one of the world’s greatest fighting forces.

7. I criticized the people that ran away. 

“The people who ran away.” Use “that” for inanimate objects.

8. Red Grange was more an NFL phenomena than a trend setter.

Phenomena” is plural. Red was a phenomenon.

9. The dog was ordered to be euthanized. The bridge was directed to be torn down.

The dog and bridge weren’t ordered to do anything. Neither would listen, anyway. They’re a dog. And a bridge. Maybe you could order the dog to sit. People were “ordered to euthanize the dog” and “directed to tear down the bridge.”

10. It was a meeting of small businessmen.

A meeting of small businessmen? Now that’s a visual! Not to mention offensive to short people! How about: “It was a meeting of owners of small businesses.”

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/Qog48LhZdKU

Next time: Theres more example’s of bad grammer out their.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

From the Grammar Police

More more repeat repeat offenses…

There’s that dollars dollars thing again again!

This is a chronic goof. “Fuel” refers to the mob. Not the fools. So it would be “Mob of fools fuels the...”

We know ad space is expensive, but it looks like you could have fixed this without spending another penny. Just add one letter: “If you have trouble standing and walking distances...”

And we go to the video archives for our introduction to “Horribly Wrong:” https://youtu.be/Ctgr272Bymk

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 17: The comma, splice

Readers: In our previous segment, we talked about commas. We’re not done. People regularly trip over the comma splice. Every one of these sentences is wrong, and could be fixed by changing the comma to a period.

• I love going to the movies, it's so fun.

• She took the boy's cookies away, that was mean.

• The teacher was angry, the students were too loud.

• I think he's in love, he acts so weird now.

• We went to the store, we bought milk.

• I often walk the dogs on the beach, they love splashing in the waves. 

• I can't wait to go on vacation, it will be hot and sunny.

• Thank you, your order has been placed. (Extra credit if you can identify the popular online seller that uses this mistake every time you buy something. Yeah. That one.)

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/uRLzHIdMJjg

Next time: Everyone doesn’t like bad grammar. Who do?

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

We’re number one!

Readers: Eliot recently vacationed in the Pacific Northwest and found, along with the staggering natural beauty, a lot of grammar goofs. Good thing we don’t see that back east! Oh. Wait.

In past segments, we've talked about the importance of writing tight. Here’s an example that isn't necessarily ungrammatical, but is woefully wordy. Often a writer is afraid the reader won't get it, and forces the reader to sift through unnecessary words. That's cowardly writing! Granted, this sign is speaking to a captive audience. But we all know what it’s talking about. And how the handle works. And how it's helping save the environment. We cut out nearly all of it. “Best suits your needs?” Egad.

You're a fancy downtown hotel. Spend a few bucks on a copy editor! The "Horribly Wrong" team will do this job for free. (By the way, you've been relaxing too long in that wet bar. Might want to climb out.)

Wake up refreshed in guest rooms featuring soft linens, large closets, plush robes and such eco-friendly touches as water conservation, in-room recycling and energy-efficient lighting. Upgrade to a high-floor room for awe-inspiring city views or to a Luxury King suite for enhanced amenities such as a five-fixture, spalike tub or a wet bar to host a small gathering for you and your friends.

Same hotel! This time, they were so relaxed they forgot about proper grammar. It’s “guests,’” with the apostrophe after the s. Or say, “Please respect each guest’s tranquility…” And there’s a dang comma splice. How stressful!

This hotel hit a trifecta! Now it’s trying to change how time operates.

From the mailbag: “Really love your posts! I would add that there is another error on the whisky package. “Deep-charred” should be hyphenated as it is a compound adjective.” — Jeff Weinstock

Rules Committee: “CONCUR.”

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 16: The maligned, comma

Readers: When you separate phrases with a comma, you’re using it to substitute for words you don’t want to repeat. It makes for tight writing, which we love. But you have to use it right! Otherwise you create a grammatical mess.

We see the same mistake a lot. In nearly every case, adding “or” or “and” in the appropriate spot fixes the sentence.

For some reason we don’t understand, the greatest offenders in this regard are commercials for drugs, specifically in the usage warnings. We’re guessing this is wording the federal government requires. Sure wish those bureaucrats in Washington included someone with a basic grip on grammar.

Here’s an example (To avoid a nasty call from a lawyer, we replaced the drug’s real name with that of a stimulant used in “Star Trek”):

“WARNING: Do not take Formazine if you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant.”

Here’s what that sentence literally is saying:

• Do not take Formazine if you are nursing.
• Do not take Formazine if you are pregnant.
• Do not take Formazine if you are may become pregnant.

Is that what the makers of “Formazine” wanted to say? We suspect it’s not.

This is correct: ”WARNING: Do not take Formazine if you are nursing or pregnant or may become pregnant.”

Here’s another:

“Alert your doctor right away, as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems or muscle weakness may be a sign of a life-threatening condition.”

Which literally means:

"Alert your doctor right away, as the following may be a sign of a life-threatening condition:

Difficulty swallowing

Difficulty speaking

Difficulty breathing

Difficulty eye problems

Difficulty muscle weakness

Huh? What you should say is:

“Alert your doctor right away, as difficulty swallowing, speaking, or breathing, or eye problems or muscle weakness, might be a sign of a life-threatening condition.” (By the way, say “might” instead of “may.”)

And here’s a Florida law firm’s commercial:

“For years we fought for people injured in car accidents, truck accidents, and from defective products.”

Here’s what that means:

• For years we fought for people injured in car accidents.
• For years we fought for people injured in truck accidents.
• For years we fought for people injured in from defective products.

Say, “For years, we fought for people injured in car or truck accidents, or injured by defective products.” (No charge for tightening and also changing the “and” to “or.”)

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/BOMaOxR3y_0

Next time: We aren’t done tormenting the poor comma.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Repeat Offenders!

Again: “.25 cents” is 25 hundredths of a cent. That’s four for a penny. It should be “25 cents.” And this goof was made by a library! Just sayin’.

You’re a major U.S. bank. You have lots of money. Buy a dang apostrophe!

That poor man! Soaking in a cask for 14 years! And then has to clock in!

From the Mailbag: “Within the last few years, I have routinely noticed ordinal numbers being misused in dates. For example; August 6th, 2021. It's ubiquitous.....drives me bananas. Make it stop! :)” — Frank Terraferma

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 15: If only, if only, if only...

Readers: “Only” is a dangerous word. People nearly always use it incorrectly. 

A national insurance company says in its commercials, “Only pay for what you need.” We suspect the firm has gotten emails from outraged English professors across the country. A cynic might theorize the company knowingly did it wrong to be provocative and draw attention.

So, which of the following is correct?

A. Only pay for what you need. 
B. Pay only for what you need. 
C. Pay for what you only need. 
D. Pay for what only you need. 
E. Pay for only what you need.

In this case, B or E is correct. A, the version the company uses in its commercials, would suggest you neither eat, sleep or breathe; you do just one thing: Pay for what you need. 

Still not clear? Here’s how changing the position of “only” in a sentence creates a completely separate idea each time:

1. Only John murdered the person Bill wanted killed. 
2. John only murdered the person Bill wanted killed. 
3. John murdered the person Bill only wanted killed. 
4. John murdered the person only Bill wanted killed.

Next time: The English-speaking world’s horrific assault on the poor, defenseless, comma.

From the Mailbag:

“I would argue that the singular versus plural faux pas concerning marketing to customers is debatable. While indeed, "customer's" is singular possessive, "them" on the other hand, is now an acceptable pronoun to apply to a singular subject in our contemporary gender neutral context where the conventionally appropriate "he" or "she" is becoming obsolete. While this writer counts himself among the cohort of plain-clothed grammar police, he nevertheless must acknowledge that language does and indeed must be permitted to evolve with the mores of the times. -- Mark Gerard McKee

Mark: Thanks for writing! You refer to our July 25 “Grammar Police” segment, in which an ad read, “The customer’s journey is complex. Marketing to them doesn’t have to be.”

You weren't the only person to object to our citing the ad. Eliot’s son Hank, himself an aspiring writer, made the same argument as you.

So let’s discuss.

Unlike other languages, English has no word for a gender-neutral plural pronoun (unless you live in the south, where “y’all” is not just preferred but mandatory.) Saying “marketing to him or her” wouldn’t go very far with the corporate board.

In recent years, issues of gender identity have moved the needle, According to an essay in Time Magazine, in 2019, the Merriam-Webster dictionary declared “they” its “word of the year!” The essay also said that, in 2017, the Associate Press, the official guru of the “Horribly” Wrong” team, declared “they” as acceptable.

Well, heck. We still don’t like it.

And when it comes to grammar, you have an option. Newspapers call it “writing around it.”

Just say, “Your customers’ journeys are complex. Marketing to them doesn’t have to be as well.” (See, we also fixed the preposition problem.)

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/BOMaOxR3y_0

Next time: The maligned comma.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Oh, the joy of the morning paper!

Use “that” for things but “who” for people.

“Customer” is singular. “Them” is plural. Make up your mind!

Umm, why are you saying “tries?” She succeeded. The picture appeared around the world.

This headline needs some CPR!

Update: Our July 11 “Grammar Police” segment featured an ad riddled with errors. There were so many, we missed one! After we sent the segment to our mailing list, loyal readers gave us a heads up, and were able at least to fix the segment online. Here it is again, with all goofs noted:

Editorial comment: We like to poke fun at goofs in the newspaper. But the reason you’re seeing so many is that newspapers are bleeding money and can’t afford as many proofreaders. Want to reduce these mistakes? Subscribe. Advertise.

From the mailbag, responding to our July 18 segment “Horror in the Boardroom:”

“Please find me a new word to use instead of ‘pivot’. Hey we all had to pivot during the pandemic. Now is the time to pivot to your next gig. I can go on and on but I will pivot to the real masters of words.” — Larry Reines, Closter, N.J.

“One of my pet peeves after 45 years in the law: ‘Enclosed please find…’ vs. ‘Enclosed is/are….’ The word ‘find’ is superfluous. What is this? An Easter egg hunt for the enclosure?” — Bill Crawford, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 14: Horror in the boardroom, Part Two

Readers: In our previous segment, we listed brutal phrases that are bandied about the corporate world in a desperate, and failed, effort to sound cool. We couldn’t fit them all in one segment.

1. Let’s “parking lot” that.“

“Parking lot” apparently means to reject or table an idea by metaphorically placing it in the parking lot.  Good grief.

2. Please take this offline.

This is in the same category as “parking lot this.” 

3. We should workshop it to make sure we’re on the same page.

“Workshop” isn’t a verb either. You can’t stir hydrogen and oxygen together and wait for it to turn into water by itself. It doesn’t work. And you can’t just use a noun as a verb and expect it always to work. And if you want to be on the same page, go ahead. You can flip a coin to see who moves to the Sports section.

4. We’re taking this to the next level.

What level would that be?

5. We need to think outside the box.

Brutal cliché. What box?

6. Our new campaign really raises the bar and marks a paradigm shift.

Two brutal clichés in one sentence. What bar? And what is a paradigm anyway? Do you know? Do your clients know? When you throw big words at them, it doesn’t impress them. Just the opposite.’

7. Let’s interface.

In your face.

8. Let’s work on our core competencies.

Sure. As soon as we figure out what that means.

9. We are beginning the off-boarding process for James.

If you’re firing someone, have the courage to say it! Off-boarding process?

10. Paul needs to be a team player..

Paul didn’t listen to our advice, and we had to “parking lot” him. We suspect the offboarding process has started.

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/hoFfKcfK-pI

Next time: If only.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!