From the Grammar Police

Whale on!

 

Theransomnote.com

 

Wales is a part of the United Kingdom. Charles was Prince of Wales until the 2022 death of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. He then became King Charles III, and his son, William, became the new Prince of Wales.

freeworld,maps.net

Buckingham Palace

In 1924, the then-Prince of Wales, who later would become King Edward VIII, donated a trophy to the National Hockey League. Since 1993, it’s been given to the winner of the NHL’s Eastern Conference.

NHL.com

Wales. Prince of Wales. Prince of Wales Trophy. Everyone straight?
Apparently not.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 55: Hiding in plain sight. https://youtu.be/aMkitBA7YTE

From the mailbag: Our Oct. 22, 2023, segment on Canada, which included an argument for America to finally go metric, prompted longtime reader and occasional contributor Bob Yankowitz to write: “No argument against the length and weight parts of the metric system, but Fahrenheit is much superior to Celsius. They're both decimal based, but the Fahrenheit scale is much more attuned to human experience. Zero degrees Fahrenheit is really cold, and 100 degrees is really hot. That's a range most of humanity lives within, and a degree Fahrenheit is just about the smallest noticeable increment. The folks in the Celsius countries live in a range that covers about 56 degrees C, with each degree being too large. Basing the Celsius scale on the freezing and boiling points of water is arbitrary and unrelated to how we live and perceive the world around us.”

Readers: What sayeth you?

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 73: The Canadian club

 
 

In our last segment, we talked about how America and Great Britain use the same language differently. Granted, England is the mother country. But for clashes of vernacular, we didn’t have to go that far; just to our neighbors to the north.

Canada is our second-biggest trade partner (behind China), the other side of the longest peaceful border in the world, and the folks who gave us hockey, Alexander Graham Bell, Anne of Green Gables, and Michael J. Fox. Despite that, many Americans really disrespect our closest friends by knowing almost nothing about them. They don’t know poutine from parkades, Montreal from Medicine Hat, or Dan Aykroyd from Leslie Nielsen. (Surely you can’t be serious!)

But those Canadians do talk funny sometimes! Next time you encounter Canadian snowbirds, run these phrases past them. (As in the U.S., some are regionalisms.) You’ll be surprised how many things Americans get wrong! Soory.

Also, les gens parlent aussi français !

American                                Canadian
Bathroom                                Washroom
Couch                                     Chesterfield
Don’tcha think?                  Eh?
Elementary school                  Public school
Firehouse                           Fire hall
Garbage disposer                  Garburator
Gas station                           Gas bar
Grade a test                            Mark a test
Hot dog, loaded/the works/all the way. Hot dog, all-dressed
Non-dairy creamer                 Whitener
Paper napkin                          Serviette
Parking garage                        Parkade
Rubber band                            Elastic
Rube/yahoo/bumpkin/hick/hayseed Hoser
Studio apartment                   Bachelor apartment
Substitute teacher                   Supply teacher
Suck-up/yes-man                    Keener
Sweat pants                             Track pants
Take a test                               Write a test
Tennis shoes                            Runners
Unemployment insurance      Pogey
”Waiter: The check, please.”    “Waiter: The bill, please.”
Whole milk                               Homo milk
Zee (last letter of alphabet)                   Zed
ZIP code                                 Postal code

Things Canada gets right:
Metric. C’mon. Freezing at 32 degrees? A mile is 5,280 feet? A gallon is 128 ounces? A ton is 2,000 pounds? It’s dizzying. And out of touch with the rest of the world. Imperial: Myanmar, Liberia, and the United States. That’s it.

Metric is real simple. Water boils at 100 and freezes at zero. A hundred kilometers an hour is a good speed to drive. A liter is a perfect size for a party-sized soft drink bottle. A thousand grams equals one kilo (Right, South Floridians who grew up in the 1980s drug wars?).

One day the U.S. government will give us five years to go metric. You’ll kick and scream. And at the end of five years you won’t remember what an inch is.

Uniquely Canadian:
Loonie, Toonie: One- and two-dollar coins, named for the loon on the front.
Poutine: French fries and cheese curds.
Toque: A wool cold-weather cap
Two-four: A case of 24 beers (Molson’s or Labatt’s? You decide, you hoser!)

Canadian readers: Any challenges? Additions? Send ‘em in, eh?

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/gUTKiaT12H8

Next time: ¡Algo salió terriblemente mal!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police: UK Edition

In our Oct. 8, 2023, segment, we explained the differences between American and British English. We worked in a visit to the UK. And brought the Grammar Police with us! To our cousins across the pond: You invented the dang language. You have to follow its rules as well. Keep calm and carry on!

Oxford and Edinburgh: And you thought only American’s are misuser’s of apostrophe’s! Also, those gemstones are so good they provide positivity twice!

South Kensington, London: Uh, looks like the “closing” part is over. This checkout is closed!

Oxford: We say “apologizes” and they say “apologises.” Pick one! “Apologies” doesn’t work.

South Florida: Nope. We write Amerikin here!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 54: Your Government at Work. https://youtu.be/chCLmG9egoY?si=SLUrHhvw5jl7cdbt

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 72: English English

 
 

“England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” — Attributed to George Bernard Shaw

Eliot visited the United Kingdom in the summer of 2023. At Eilean Donan Castle in Scotland, he jokingly asked a man handing out guides, “Is this in American English?” The man said, with a straight face that hid a twinkle, “No. Proper English.”
During Eliot’s visit, he encountered — and photographed — many examples of people speaking differently than Americans. Why is that a surprise? There's different slang between Brooklyn and the Bronx!

Several years ago, Eliot grabbed an audiobook off the discount rack that turned out to be an unauthorized James Bond novel. In one scene, an American military guy briefed a group on some deadly mission. The British writer had the American speaking in British-ese! So a gruff G.I. Joe growled in an American accent, "Let's go, men. Grab your Macintoshes and toss them in your bonnets." Yes. It was bad. Writers: don’t make the same mistake. In one of Eliot's novels, his Miami detective meets with two British government officials. Eliot was terrified that, like the Ian Fleming wannabe, he'd inadvertently have the Brits talk like Americans. So he reached out to a British cousin to "translate" the dialogue.

We won’t attempt to tackle the other parts of the world whose denizens speak a different form of English (Put British and Texan accents in a blender, get Australian). And we won’t address the infuriating British (and Canadian!) habit of sticking a "u" in words such as color and honor, or switching an “s” for a “z.” How disorganised!. After all, as we explained in our March 28, 2021, segment, those are the real reasons for the American Revolution. Really. Look it up.

Here are some American terms and their British counterparts, from Spellzone and the British Club. Do your homework! Full stop!

Private school Public school

Public school State school

Raincoat Mackintosh

Umbrella Brolly

Round-trip ticket Return ticket

Lawyer Barrister or solicitor

Mailbox Postbox

Main street High street

For rent To let

Shopping cart Shopping trolley

Sled Sledge

Sneakers Trainers

Soccer Football

Football American football

Subway Underground or tube

Sweater Jumper

Takeout food Takeaway

Highway pulloff/rest area Layby

Traffic circle Roundabout

TV Telly

Vacation Holiday

Wrench Spanner

Yield Give way

ZIP code Postcode

Apartment Flat

Elevator Lift

Can Tin

Candy Sweets

Cookie or cracker Biscuit

Cell phone Mobile phone

Diaper Nappy

Dish towel Tea towel

Drugstore Chemist

Exit Way out

Expressway Motorway

Flashlight Torch

French fries Chips

Potato chips Crisps

Garbage Rubbish

Garbage can Dustbin

Gasoline Petrol

Stand in line Queue

Truck Lorry

Trunk of a car Boot

Hood of a car Bonnet

Convertible top Hood

Pants Trousers

Parking lot Car park

Pencil eraser Rubber

Period (punctuation). Full stop

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/J1ngsOZUvSo

Next time: Bug off, ya hoser!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

 

From the Grammar Police

We get no thill from finding typos, misspellings, and homophone goofs

Chris Huhn

Bruce Moore

The abbreviation for Oregon is OR. Not O.R. The network quickly took down this typo.

You compliment the chef when his dishes complement each other. (Also: The word right should be followed by a question mark.)

You might live in a manor but you celebrate in a manner. (We, too, celebrate the great Jimmy Buffett.)

Jonathan Petersohn

Call us and we’ll give you the phone number!

Readers: Some typos are the result of plain old brain freezes. Or worse, just having people with limited vocabulary in positions for which they’re not qualified. Most newspaper mistakes occur because they no longer can afford as many proofreaders who would catch the goofs. If you hate typos, support your local paper!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 53: More anachronisms. https://youtu.be/ecBECizVWGQ

People have suggested at times that the “Horribly Wrong” team is just a bit too snarky, and a bit too nit-picky. In the interest of fair play, we invite you to submit examples of that from previous columns. Submit to eliot@eliotkleinberg.com!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 71: Vote for me and I'll set you free

 

“Meeting of the Birmingham Political Union.” Birmingham Museums and Art Gallery

 

It’s hard to find a more “target rich environment” for clichés, meaningless or misleading statements, glittering generalities, or downright fibs, than the campaign trail. We urge you, regardless of your political leanings, never to take a politician’s statement at face value. Research the candidates and issues. Be an informed voter. That’s your duty as a citizen.

  1. Answer the question! Many politicians are notorious for dodging reporters’ questions. One time, Eliot asked a top state leader the same question three times in a row. Each time the politician gave a non-responsive answer. Politicians will say they feared the reporter would twist their answer. But you should take meaning from their refusal to answer.

  2. Glittering generalities: People who can’t provide specifics will speak in vague terms, and as a reporter, Eliot’s primary job was to call them on it. One candidate said his opponent, an incumbent who was on tap for the top leadership of the state legislature, “cares more about Tallahassee” than his district. Eliot said, “Can you give an example?” It wasn’t an unfair question. In fact, Eliot figured it was a “softball” — slang for a ridiculously easy question — if the guy had all sorts of examples of the incumbent voting with colleagues instead of looking out for constituents. But he didn’t. He was defeated easily.

  3. “News conference:” If a politician says she/he will hold a news conference/press conference, and reporters show up, and the politician, surrounded by supporters, gives what amounts to a speech, and leaves without taking questions, that is NOT a news/press conference, and don’t let the politician get away with it. Call it a speech. Or a rally.

  4. Opposition ads vs. attack ads: Going after a person’s track record and exposing lies and hypocrisy are fair game. Some ads cross the line. Usually, you’ll know it.

Hall of Fame:

  • “We’re going to fight for families. We’re going to fight for working people. We’re going to fight for hard-working people. We’re going to fight for working families.”
    This suggests the politician is not going to fight for single, lazy, or unemployed people. Don’t they count?

  • “I will fight for people like you.”
    Besides being grammatically incorrect (“people such as you,”) this raises the question of whether the politician won’t fight for people who are not like you. And since he’s talking to everyone….

  • “I believe in family values.”
    Today, the definitions of both “family” and “values” have expanded. Use such terms with care.

  • “The radical left.”
    “The radical right.”
    You would think that, after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, people would be careful to use such inflammatory terms as “radical.” You would think.

  • “In my campaign, and as a legislator, I vow to go the extra mile, to do the hard work, and to step out of my comfort zone to challenge the problems others write off as too difficult to solve.”
    This was an actual campaign ad. If you can glean from it any specific reasons to vote for this candidate over another, then, well, you get the government you deserve.

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/XW10tVM79K0

Next time: Put that in your bonnet.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 70: My pleasure!

In the last century, a lady named Emily Post made a living — and became a household name — publishing guides to proper etiquette. Some people found the advice quite valuable. Others were busy trying to figure out how to pay the next month’s rent.
The Horribly Wrong team is all for keeping courtesy and manners in a growingly rude world. But don’t go overboard. You can be cordial without having to use flowery writing.

  1. “I want to wish you a happy birthday.” “I’d like to wish you a happy birthday.”
    ”Happy birthday.”

  2. “I’d like to thank you for all your hard work.”
    ”Thank you for all your hard work.”

  3. “We request the honor of your presence.”
    ”Please join us…”

  4. “It is my pleasure to introduce myself. May I introduce myself.”
    ”Hello. I am — “ (A pleasure to introduce yourself? Really?)

  5. “We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected…”
    ”You have been selected…”

  6. “Put on your dancing shoes!”
    If any reader actually owns shoes designed only for dancing at social events, please advise and we’ll reconsider.

  7. “Enclosed please find…”
    Spend ten seconds looking at this phrase.

  8. “Hope this correspondence finds you well.”
    See #7.

  9. “Inquire within.”
    We found this usage as far back as a newspaper advertisement in 1770!     Within? Just say “Inquire inside.”

  10. “How are you?” ”How’s it going?” “What’s up?”
    In each of these greetings, the speaker doesn’t really want to know how you are, what you are doing, or what might be in the sky. It’s a placeholder. Why not just say, “Hello?” (Note: The Horribly Wrong team acknowledges it might lose this fight under the “nitpick” doctrine.    )

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/vE0YNVWZzd4

Next time: Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!









From the Grammar Police

We’ve seen flagrant insults, but something stinks here!

We first discussed this sudden shift of identities back in November 2021. How does this happen? The restaurant will put a hold on your tab. Then the restaurant will agree to settle its tab. Before it leaves the restaurant. That’s what it says. But that’s not what the operators mean. How about, “You agree to settle your tab.” (And we know you’re trying be artsy, but use capitalizations.)

Bob Yankowitz

Shoring up banks is a shore way to make sure.

We’ve talked about how you can have news that’s big news but not breaking news. Well, sometimes, it’s not even big news.

Kathy Dull

The Grammar Police in no way endorse grammar vigilantism.

Embattled means girded for battle. The word you want here is beleaguered.

“Always baked without artificial colors, flavors or preservatives.”

Ron Hayes

That pesky comma! The one that changes “Let’s eat, Grandma,” to “Let’s eat Grandma.” In this case, it sounds as if this documentary explores Reggie’s life, his baseball, and his racism.

This isn’t wrong. Just wordy. Let’s tighten it. How about: “Donation center behind building.” Trust people to figure out the rest. Oh. Like these guys:

Readers: People have suggested at times that the “Horribly Wrong” team is just a bit too snarky, and a bit too nit-picky. In the interest of fair play, we invite you to submit examples from previous columns. Submit to eliot@eliotkleinberg.com! In the meantime, we’ll keep at it.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 51: Maybe, Maybe, maybe. https://youtu.be/_NNs3q8kwX4]

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:
Longtime reader and sometime contributor Dr. Baruch Kahana asked about a line we’ve used at the bottom of every segment since we started in January 2021: “Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you.” The good doctor submits the following:
“Shouldn’t that be, ‘so we can credit you properly’? ‘Properly’ is an adverb -- I think -- and adverbs usually follow the associated verb. No? (I guess you’re not the only nitpicker around these here parts!).”
Lou Ann, our Rules Committee, says, “He’s got us. Not technically an infinitive phrase, but it still should end with the adverb.”
We therefore CONCUR and enjoin ourselves to correct the error, starting right now. See below.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 69: News cliché bingo!

 
 

By now, you likely have gotten very good at spotting chronic goofs. Here are some classic news clichés. You fill in the blank. Some you’ve seen before in “Horribly Wrong.” (Note: this also can be played as a drinking game.) Good night and good ——!*

  1. An Albuquerque man was freed Monday after spending 10 years in prison for a crime he _____.

  2. It’s not a matter of if, ____.

  3. Hoping for the best but _______.

  4. Their dream vacation turned into ____.

  5. During the shootout, neighbors looked on in ___.

  6. Residents are breathing a sigh of ___.

  7. Police have many questions but ___.

  8. The tornado sounded like a ___.

  9. The traffic jam turned the highway into a ___.

  10. The residents fled with nothing but the ______.

  11. Residents can only hope, and ____.

1. Didn’t commit.
2. But when.
3. Preparing for the worst.
4. A nightmare.
5. Horror.
6. Relief.
7. Few answers.
8. freight train.
9. Parking lot.
10. …clothes on their backs.
11. Pray.

*Good luck.

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/lC79wt9oHGg

Next time: “Mind your own business.”
“My pleasure.”

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

It’s time for the “Gold Chronic” awards! See below.

Dr. Baruch Kahana

Hard to murder a slain kid, dontcha think?

The past tense of mislead is misled.

We covered this in a May 2021 segment on bad TV. This time, the culprit is a newspaper. Again: If you say an alleged rape occurred, you just said it occurred. You need to say the woman might (not may) also present testimony “from two of her friends who said she confided in them after the rape is said to have occurred.”

If smash and grab and shoplift in the same graphic isn’t an oxymoron, what is? Here’s the dictionary: “If someone shoplifts, they steal goods from a store by hiding them in a bag or in their clothes.” What happened in this store was nearly 50 people in black hoodies and masks upending shelves, smashing glass cases and attacking employees with bear spray. Not exactly clandestine.

We discussed this way back in November 2021. Use “XXX, FL” just for cities. Not for bodies of water or physical features.

We present our “Gold Chronic” awards!

We’ve said that we’re not so smug as to presume everyone reads our column. And we don’t reach out to offenders. That would shift us from observers to activists. But you’d think after all this time, someone would have let these people know. Or that, if they knew, they’d fix it. Nope. These two ads still run exactly this way.

We showed this ad on Sept. 5, 2021. Two years ago! Then again a year ago, on August 21, 2022. In case you forgot, it literally says, “ten million dollars dollars.”

We first posted this on Nov. 14, 2021. If the jeweler wants you to come in for a free evaluation, why is he asking what his jewelry is worth? Should be: “How much is your jewelry worth? Come on in for a free evaluation!”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 50: Call me…Poindexter? https://youtu.be/aGClV8-CmEE

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

SMH!

Zach Bell

Neal Horner

If you see this in the store, just…just…keep walking.

Same pharmacy chain. We’re a family blog, so let’s just say this sign is redundant. “Intimacy” is enough.

We explained this back in March 2021. You compliment the chef because the noodles complement the broth.

Bruce Moore

Hasn’t this surfer suffered enough?

Whoever did this: Your a gooder writer!

The astrologist predicts: Your getting an F in grammar!

Both these signs were at high-end places we stopped at during a recent visit to Southern California. Hey SoCal: Great weather, but your grammar and spelling need work.

Eva Ivonne Olson

This isn’t so much bad writing as it is just dumb. Those sure look like muffins to us!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 49: Bad TV. Again. https://youtu.be/fyr8tpS4IRs

Readers: People have suggested at times that the “Horribly Wrong” team is just a bit too snarky, and a bit too nit-picky. In the interest of fair play, we invite you to submit examples of that from previous columns. Submit to eliot@eliotkleinberg.com!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 67: More Tight Writing

 

journaltimes.com/

 

Way back on Feb. 14, 2021, we talked about the importance of tight writing. Today we revisit the issue, courtesy of an old book Eliot found on his bookshelf.
The biggest sin in writing, after fact errors and bad grammar, is failing to write tight. You might ask a reader why she stopped reading your book. She’ll say: “Hmmm. I don’t know. It just was a slog.” Or, “It just dragged.” Or, “It took forever.” Often, it’s not that you did a large segment that went nowhere. Although Lord knows that happens. Rather, you just filled your story with a million passive sentences. And wordy sentences! They’re the equivalent of potholes, or speed bumps, or knee-deep snow. They slow down the reader. Until maybe she just gives up.
Take a look at this passage. This is the opening to a book that someone actually sold to a publisher. It’s one sentence. Four hundred two words! (We realize we might get a nasty call from the author. We’ll take our chances.)

At the beginning of this segment, we mentioned a book Eliot found on his shelf. It’s called The Word.
Subtitled An Associated Press Guide to Good News Writing, it was written in 1982 by Rene J. Cappon, a revered AP editor who died at 83 in 2007. Eliot bought the book some time in the 1980s.
It covers much of the same advice you’ve gotten from “Horribly Wrong.” Plus a ton more. Naturally, in an outfit such as AP, an extra word is far more damaging than in a full-length book. But even if you plan to write novels instead of hard news — or, for that matter, a press release or company manual — every page of The Word is packed with valuable advice.

As with Strunk and White’s Elements of Style, which “Horribly Wrong” featured on April 10, 2022, The Word is about quality writing. Which, more often than not, means tight writing.
“Bloated language is all around us,” Cappon wrote.
He praised this 1949 lead by AP writer Hal Boyle: “OMAHA BEACH, Normandy (AP) — It is D-Day plus five years, soldier, on this sandy coast where the world hinged on what you did.”
Cappon wrote that “Not every news subject can be handled in exactly that style, but all news writing should aim at that sort of simplicity and directness.”

Here are more examples by Cappon of wordy writing and his fixes:

  • “It is unusual in the Legislature to have a conference committee of more than four members.”
    ”A conference committee with more than four members is unusual.”

  • “Crimes of a violent nature are increasing.”
    ”Violent crimes are increasing.”

  • “The loss of skilled workers will be a crippling factor in the economy of Iran.”
    ”The loss of skilled workers will cripple the economy of Iran.”

  • “He is an acknowledged leader in the medical field.”
    ”He is a leader in medicine.”

  • “In terms of home prices and availability, young couples today are virtually excluded from the housing market.”
    ”Few young couples today can find houses they can afford.”

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/ec4BJYZV5s8

Next time: May the good news be yours.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

One word or two? The “Horribly Wrong” team really needs to crack down on these goofs.

Again: That for things. Who for people.

Remember: “Less” for volume, “fewer” for count. So, less beer, but fewer seats.

Climb to the peak and take a peek and you’ll find something that will pique your interest.

Prevent means you help make sure someone else doesn’t drown. This story was about you making sure you don’t drown. The right word then would be avoid.

This STILL is five hundred dollars dollars. And these guys knew it by the time they got to the second stack.

What a mess! A retiree is going to help preserve your retirement assets? No. But wait! There’s more. You don’t preserve assets from a recession. You protect assets from a recession. And no comma after “recession.” And all those capitalizations! This company might want to consider strategies for hiring an editor.

.And we go to the video archives for Segment 48: More questions of style. https://youtu.be/VrE6aHhLHqE

Readers: Our July 16, 2023, segment on euphemisms drew responses from some loyal readers.
David Barak wrote:
“It's not a proper breaking of the nighttime fast without shredded, surface-fried starchy tuber. What were you thinking?
(Hash browns. Natch.)
Dr. Baruch Kahana wrote:
“I have several “favorites”: Powder room - which goes back to the days when women powdered their faces, for some unknown reason. Restroom (rest room?). Bathroom (bath room?) - which, most of the time is not used for bathing. WC, or water closet.
“Notice that the above euphemisms are employed to avoid talking about something unpleasant, namely, the excretory functions. (If we knew some Latin we could use “excretorium”. But who knows Latin?)
“Also, ‘passed away’ instead of ‘died.’ Again, avoiding an unpleasant topic.
“A while ago I heard someone say, ‘He lost his parents in the Holocaust.’ My response: ‘No. His parents were murdered by very evil people. He should not be the subject of that sentence.’ Yet another example of people wishing to avoid an unpleasant subject. Human life contains many unpleasantnesses. They should be addressed head-on, without obfuscations. We should not try to BS our way around them.”

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 66: Euphemisms

 
 

A snob walks into a diner. He says:
“For my morning repast, I request two poultry ova, vigorously stirred, along with two sautéed strips of porcine abdominal flesh, as well as two portions of a food prepared with flour, milk and yeast and browned by dry heat. Also, please provide a vessel of liquid squeezed from a small citrus fruit. And bring me a container of heated beverage made from aromatic java beans. Please add to that a small amount of thick bovine lactose and two portions of crystalline carbohydrate.”
That’s right. He just ordered two scrambled eggs, bacon, two pieces of toast, orange juice, and coffee with cream and two sugars.
Remember the “Prairie Home Companion” radio show? One of their big “joke shows” featured this one of a woman describing her husband: “We don't call it a beer belly; it's a liquid grain storage facility.”
Some people talk like this because they think it makes them sound scholarly, such as writers who use hundred-dollar-words, which we covered in our March 26, 2022, segment.
But others are employing euphemisms, which we’ve covered before, most recently in our Aug. 21, 2022, “Grammar Police” segment.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a euphemism as “an agreeable or inoffensive word or phrase that is used instead of one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant.” The “Horribly Wrong” team calls it one of the most glaring forms of cowardly writing. (Note: Since euphemism begins with a consonant sound, it gets “a” instead of “an.”)
Who uses euphemisms? Politicians. Government officials. Public relations people. Lawyers. Their goal is to soften the blow. Don’t let them.

Euphemism What it really means
Bathroom tissue Toilet paper
Pre-owned vehicle Used car
Alternative facts Lies
Sex worker Prostitute
Gentlemen’s club Strip club
Conscious uncoupling Breaking up
Correctional institution Prison
Enhanced interrogation Torture
Negative cash flow Debt
Big boned Large
Family planning Birth control
Forced to resign Fired
Collateral damage Dead civilians
High occupancy vehicle (HOV) lane Carpool lane
K-9 Officer Police dog
And those stupid sports abbreviations:
Organized Training Activity (OTA) Training camp
Physically Unable to Perform (PUP) list. Injured list
USMNT/USWNT (United States Men’s/Women’s National Team) (Team of what? It’s soccer, but every
other acronym — NFL, NBA, NHL — actually has a letter for the sport.

Got a favorite euphemism? Send it in!

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/XYT4rbYLgrQ

Next time: More tight writing.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Calling all Strunks!

We refer of course to followers of William Strunk Jr., whose 1918 Elements of Style remains a bible for good writers. The Strunk Rule: “Avoid unnecessary words.” They slow your writing! Remove the suspicious word or words, and see if the sentence still works. If it does, omit!

youtube

“The real reason Will Smith slapped…’’

The next ride over got it right.

A bite to eat? Huh? How about just “for a bite?” Or just, “to eat?” And just say, “didn’t have time.” (Note: The place’s name was not “Wolfie’s Sandwich Shop.” It was just “Wolfie’s.” So you would lower-case “sandwich shop.”)

Spray it in your nose nasally? Hope so. How about just “…in each nostril as needed three times a day.”

Again: These say, “personal identification number number.” And, “vehicle identification number number.” Don’t they?

One more time: If you’re a felon, you’re convicted. Right? So just say”felon.”

There are several warning signs present that this sentence is way too wordy! If a sentence starts with “there are,” you nearly always can remove that phrase. Let’s fix this: “Several warning signs say you shouldn’t be driving.”

We’ve mentioned that, in most cases, “bodies” are understood to be dead. But without context, “Bodies may carry COVID-19 for days” could suggest live people. We’d counsel using “corpses,” or “cadavers,” but some might find that unseemly. So the Rules Committee grudgingly allows “dead bodies" in the interest of clarity, which really is our prime objective. (PS: “May”suggests permission. Change to “could.”)

And we go to the video archives for Segment 47: That’s just wrong! https://youtu.be/qeTM-1-GWoE

Readers: People have suggested at times that the “Horribly Wrong” team is just a bit too snarky, and a bit too nit-picky. In the interest of fair play, we invite you to submit examples of that from previous columns. Submit to eliot@eliotkleinberg.com!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 65: Still more homophones

 
 

Way back on March 14, 2021, and again on June 4, 2022, the “Horribly Wrong” team dealt with words that sound alike, but aren’t. Recently, Eliot’s older son submitted a homophone dilemma (see #1 below), and we realized we haven’t scratched the surface! Here are more examples. You might say, “No one actually would make these mistakes.” Sure. You keep on believing that.

  1. Strait-laced, straitjacket.
    Don’t say “straight.” Strait means "narrow, strict, or constricted." (Note: We’ve seen both spelled without hyphens.)

  2. I rode the fairy to the island.
    Ferry.

  3. When the mom died at the end of the movie, I just starting balling!
    Bawling.

  4. I can’t bare it.
    Bear.

  5. Give me a brake!
    Break.

  6. I had to leave do to the smell.
    Due to the smell.

  7. I need to by some flower for my cake.
    I need to buy some flour…

Unsplash.com

8. The Beach Boys did a segway into “California Girls.”
A segue is a transition. A Segway (trademark) is a two-wheeled motorized vehicle that was popular in the first two decades of this century.

9. The end is in site.
Sight.

10. For more years!
Four.

11. I can’t here you!
Hear.

12. Mary Christmas!
Merry.

13. Tow the line.
Toe.

14. Next store.
Next door.

The Exorcist/Warner Brothers

15. The priest gave last rights.
Last rites.

16. “Walk-in distance from restaurants.”
Walking distance. (Submitted by Dr. Baruch Kahana.)

The Accolade, by Edmund Blair Leighton

And a joke that involves homophones. If you’ve attended a Passover Seder, you’ll get it. Or you can look it up.


The Queen of England decides to knight a Jewish businessman. He’s given a phrase to memorize and say during the ceremony.
As Her Highness prepares to touch the man’s shoulder with the sword, his mind blanks. He blurts out, “Ma nishtanah.” The queen turns and says, “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/crvm8yAcIhQ

Next time: We reprehend usage of euphemisms.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

From the Grammar Police

Small businesses say they’re short-staffed. Looks like that includes proofreaders!

Bruce Moore

Alan Eingold

Scott Simmons

Bruce Moore

And we go to the video archives for Segment 46: Logic flaws. https://youtu.be/pCIZ5EP_cns

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 64: Grammatical optical illusions

 

unsplash.com

 

We’ve touched on this in the past. Things that just look right. But, dang it, they’re not. When in doubt, look it up!

1. “Our vibrant blend of people, cultures and coastal towns welcome everyone.”
In this radio spot by a tourist board, there’s just one blend. So, as awkward as it sounds, “Our vibrant blend of people, cultures and coastal towns welcomes everyone.”

2. “Our network of attorneys are ready to fight for you.”
Once again: Many attorneys, but just one network. “Our network of attorneys is ready to fight for you.” Or, “Our attorneys are ready to fight for you.”

3. “There are no shortage of multimillionaires.”
“There is no shortage.”

3. “Data also shows that readers can’t tell the difference between news reporting and opinion.”
Data is plural. It is. It’s the plural of datum. So this should say: “Data also show that readers often can’t tell…”

4. “Fewer fruits and vegetables from local agriculture mean fewer donations to local food banks."
“Fewer fruits” is a thing. It’s not plural. Change to “the problem of fewer fruits” and you see what we mean. So it should be, “Fewer fruits…means fewer donations…”

5. “A number of politicians support the bill.”
You probably said to yourself, “Oh, no. The Rules Committee wants me to say, ‘…supports…’” Nope. You’re good. In this case, “a number of” substitutes for “many.” So you can say, “…support…”

6. “Sometimes I feel very badly about not saving the planet.”
“Feeling badly” means you’ve lost sensation in your fingertips. You want to say you were ‘feeling bad.”

7. “He was third runner-up in the spelling bee. Just two persons ahead of him. So close!”
“Third runner-up” means you came in not third but fourth. Winner, first runner-up, second runner-up, third runner-up.

8. “Our memorial gardens is in the heart of the city.”
In our Nov. 21, 2021, segment on geographical disqualifiers, we talked about places claiming to be in well-known cities when they’re not. Sure, they’re being euphemistic. But they also are being misleading. These memorial gardens are, not is. And they’re not in the heart of the city the ad mentions. They aren’t even in the city. The cemetery is way out west. In fact, as the crow flies, a crow would have to fly a solid 6½ miles to cross into the city limits, and then fly two more miles to arrive at the “heart.” Boy, his wings would be tired.

9. “The sale ends Sunday, or until supplies last.”
This national hardware chain should have checked the grammar aisle. Should be, “while supplies last.”

10. “He has apologized for embellishing his resume, but that hasn’t stopped him from becoming a pariah.”
We’ve dealt with this before. He didn’t become a pariah. He didn’t do it. Correct: “That didn’t stop his peers from making him a pariah.”

steam.com

11. “Earthlings travel to another planet, where they must fight aliens.”
The “Horribly Wrong” team remembers reading this description in a TV listing several years ago. It looks right, except for one thing: On this other planet, the earthlings would be the aliens. Right?

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/Vgt5xY_Y4Jg

Next time: Homophones. Again.

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!